They say suicide is painless.
Well yes, maybe it is, but the 90 days leading up to it sure aren't. It's not easy to be able to ignore the feelings of the people around you and hurt your loved ones so tremendously because you want to abandon life. Because you've lost hope in the future.
But tomorrow will be a big day for me. My last big day before the end.
To all my readers, I have decided to share something important with you and I will do so tomorrow, it's about my decision and about my blog in general. I know what you're thinking, but I can say that it's something you won't expect. You may think you've predicted it already, but it's nothing like that. Nothing that simple.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Friday, May 2, 2008
4 days left...
So how do I want to be remembered? What is it that I want to leave behind to my readers, to my world?
I guess now is the time to pass on whatever I have to pass on. First off I would want this world to continue evolving into a more positive place, a place where people stand up for what they believe in rather than undergo life submissively. A place where human beings are free and open-minded, and actively working on their community.
Before I die I would like to call on everyone here to make a stand for what they believe in. Be the person you want to be and don't give up like I did.
Go out today and do something that you can be proud of.
For me.
I guess now is the time to pass on whatever I have to pass on. First off I would want this world to continue evolving into a more positive place, a place where people stand up for what they believe in rather than undergo life submissively. A place where human beings are free and open-minded, and actively working on their community.
Before I die I would like to call on everyone here to make a stand for what they believe in. Be the person you want to be and don't give up like I did.
Go out today and do something that you can be proud of.
For me.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
5 days left...
So I guess this is what it feels like.
Being on death row. Having less than a week to live. 4 more days after this and I'll be dead. You all are witnessing my final days, my final thoughts. Disappointing as it may be, they aren't anything special or interesting, they are simply my last. No more, no less.
People don't change when they're about to die. They just grow nervous and scared. They feel alone. At least I do. I've written and rewritten my suicide notes countless times, I've cut off my phone lines and locked my door, all I have to connect me to the outside world is my internet cable, and this very blog.
I feel like the last spark of a bonfire, flickering just a tiny bit longer before going out completely.
I'll flicker for 4 more days.
Being on death row. Having less than a week to live. 4 more days after this and I'll be dead. You all are witnessing my final days, my final thoughts. Disappointing as it may be, they aren't anything special or interesting, they are simply my last. No more, no less.
People don't change when they're about to die. They just grow nervous and scared. They feel alone. At least I do. I've written and rewritten my suicide notes countless times, I've cut off my phone lines and locked my door, all I have to connect me to the outside world is my internet cable, and this very blog.
I feel like the last spark of a bonfire, flickering just a tiny bit longer before going out completely.
I'll flicker for 4 more days.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
7 days left...
Sorry for not having updated yesterday guys, I just wanted to be alone and not think of anything.
The realization that my life is over has finally hit me, and it's like being on the receiving end of a bullet, except for there being depression instead of physical pain as a result. Which I suppose can only help me at this point, but nonetheless it's not very pleasant.
I've been ignoring any phonecalls I've been getting, and I haven't opened the door for anyone anymore these past few days, even when my mother came to visit me with my sis yesterdayI just pretended I wasn't in. I guess they must be getting worried.
They'll know soon enough what's going on with me.
The realization that my life is over has finally hit me, and it's like being on the receiving end of a bullet, except for there being depression instead of physical pain as a result. Which I suppose can only help me at this point, but nonetheless it's not very pleasant.
I've been ignoring any phonecalls I've been getting, and I haven't opened the door for anyone anymore these past few days, even when my mother came to visit me with my sis yesterdayI just pretended I wasn't in. I guess they must be getting worried.
They'll know soon enough what's going on with me.
Monday, April 28, 2008
8 days left...
Seeing that the big day is approaching pretty rapidly now I've been finding myself getting afraid.
Not afraid of dying, but afraid of living. Afraid of doing anything that might cheer me up or make me feel alive, anything that could be fun or exciting, because that would only make things harder on myself eight days from now. I broke contact with all my friends, only speak to my mother when strictly necessary, and I do my best to avoid my sister 24/7 because I just couldn't bear seeing her now.
This is the final countdown of my life.
Not afraid of dying, but afraid of living. Afraid of doing anything that might cheer me up or make me feel alive, anything that could be fun or exciting, because that would only make things harder on myself eight days from now. I broke contact with all my friends, only speak to my mother when strictly necessary, and I do my best to avoid my sister 24/7 because I just couldn't bear seeing her now.
This is the final countdown of my life.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
9 days left...
Something else I forgot to mention, that I thought was pretty insightful.
The Christian guy I talked to yesterday also said that in the end most people in his religion follow the rules and principles of their faith simply so that they would be allowed in heaven, they worship Jesus Christ as a holy figure to give them guidance in death. He said that he himself did not, that he worshipped Jesus Christ as a human being, whose past actions now give him guidance in life.
He was pretty open-minded, saying that his religion was not really the answer to anything, nor living by its rules the way to heaven, he said that all of that was speculation, things people told themselves to not be afraid, or to not have to deal with life. He said that believing in something that gives you the strength to face reality and to stand up for what you think is right and just in this world is all that matters. Whether it's a 2000 year old prophet, or a personal set of principles, he said religion or faith is never the goal, but only a means to achieve your goals.
Whatever, I thought it was pretty insightful so I thought I might as well post it.
The Christian guy I talked to yesterday also said that in the end most people in his religion follow the rules and principles of their faith simply so that they would be allowed in heaven, they worship Jesus Christ as a holy figure to give them guidance in death. He said that he himself did not, that he worshipped Jesus Christ as a human being, whose past actions now give him guidance in life.
He was pretty open-minded, saying that his religion was not really the answer to anything, nor living by its rules the way to heaven, he said that all of that was speculation, things people told themselves to not be afraid, or to not have to deal with life. He said that believing in something that gives you the strength to face reality and to stand up for what you think is right and just in this world is all that matters. Whether it's a 2000 year old prophet, or a personal set of principles, he said religion or faith is never the goal, but only a means to achieve your goals.
Whatever, I thought it was pretty insightful so I thought I might as well post it.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
10 days left...
I spoke to a Christian today who read my blog, he actually recognized me on the bus, which was quite awkward to say the least.
He shyly inquired if I was in fact 'the' Tania Derveaux from the internet, at which point I thought I would be in for some kind of anti-suicide lecture, but surprisingly enough that wasn't the case. The first thing he asked is if I really didn't believe in anything, to which I replied that I didn't, and then he said that that was exactly my problem.
He said that everyone can find something to believe in, whether it's a deity or something more concrete, just something they value, something they know is worth fighting for or worth passing on. And once you have that something, you live for it, and you keep searching for more.
It didn't sound completely ridiculous to me, but it's a bit too late for that.
He shyly inquired if I was in fact 'the' Tania Derveaux from the internet, at which point I thought I would be in for some kind of anti-suicide lecture, but surprisingly enough that wasn't the case. The first thing he asked is if I really didn't believe in anything, to which I replied that I didn't, and then he said that that was exactly my problem.
He said that everyone can find something to believe in, whether it's a deity or something more concrete, just something they value, something they know is worth fighting for or worth passing on. And once you have that something, you live for it, and you keep searching for more.
It didn't sound completely ridiculous to me, but it's a bit too late for that.
Friday, April 25, 2008
11 days left...
The uncle of my mother died a week ago.
The reason I never mentioned this is because it didn't matter to me. Nor did it really matter to her, actually, since we never really knew him, so his death was just a announcement in the mail for us. This actually made it easier for me to believe that death can be something swift and insignificant, that it can be nothing more than a letter, not even standing out in a pile of magazines and bills.
But my opinion kind of changed when my mother's uncle's fiance came to visit us today. She wanted to hand over some personal belongings of his that he wanted to give to my mother, but apparently didn't include in the will for some reason. In any case, she was in tears the entire time she was with us, and she explained to my mother how he was planning to come and see her again, but never got the chance due to his illness.
Seeing that woman so devastated made me realize that there was this whole group of people that loved my mother's uncle, somewhere out there, just as devastated as she was. It made me realize that while we may want to believe it is, death is never swift. It is never painless, and it is never insignificant. At least not for the people around you.
It made me realize that to commit suicide you have to be cold, and selfish, and cruel.
But I am sure that is something I can manage.
The reason I never mentioned this is because it didn't matter to me. Nor did it really matter to her, actually, since we never really knew him, so his death was just a announcement in the mail for us. This actually made it easier for me to believe that death can be something swift and insignificant, that it can be nothing more than a letter, not even standing out in a pile of magazines and bills.
But my opinion kind of changed when my mother's uncle's fiance came to visit us today. She wanted to hand over some personal belongings of his that he wanted to give to my mother, but apparently didn't include in the will for some reason. In any case, she was in tears the entire time she was with us, and she explained to my mother how he was planning to come and see her again, but never got the chance due to his illness.
Seeing that woman so devastated made me realize that there was this whole group of people that loved my mother's uncle, somewhere out there, just as devastated as she was. It made me realize that while we may want to believe it is, death is never swift. It is never painless, and it is never insignificant. At least not for the people around you.
It made me realize that to commit suicide you have to be cold, and selfish, and cruel.
But I am sure that is something I can manage.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
12 days left...
I've gotten a few mails so far from people begging me to put this Youtube video on my blog from this vlogger girl, I wasn't originally gonna do it, but since it's been three people now that explicitly asked for that video I thought what the hell.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zvzq-eUN95A&feature=related
This does not reflect my view on things or my current state of mind at all though, it's just something people asked me to put on, so I decided to be a little democratic in my final days.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zvzq-eUN95A&feature=related
This does not reflect my view on things or my current state of mind at all though, it's just something people asked me to put on, so I decided to be a little democratic in my final days.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
13 days left...
I've been thinking some about the afterlife today and looking up what some religions have to say about it.
Christianity: apparently there's no real statement concerning suicide in the Bible, but after having spoken to a priest (yes, I went there) he said there's a good chance heaven does not allow people who have taken their own lives.
Islam: after doing some research I found that according to this religion people who have committed suicide will in the afterlife be roasted in a fire, forbidden in paradise (obviously, since I kind of figured the roasting didn't take place in heaven) and punished in hell by whatever used to commit suicide (i.e. if you drowned yourself, you will forever drown - how that goes hand in hand with the roasting, I'm not sure, but it doesn't sound pleasant.)
Hinduism: this religion says that a person who commits suicide will wander the earth as a bad ghost, aimlessly, until his alotted lifetime is over, to then be punished more severely in hell.
I kind of stopped there since I got the picture. I was thinking of becoming religious before doing the final act, because it would give me something to look forward to after death, but I guess I'll pass on that and remain an atheist. A great, vast nothing sounds better than fires of hell and eternal drowning.
Christianity: apparently there's no real statement concerning suicide in the Bible, but after having spoken to a priest (yes, I went there) he said there's a good chance heaven does not allow people who have taken their own lives.
Islam: after doing some research I found that according to this religion people who have committed suicide will in the afterlife be roasted in a fire, forbidden in paradise (obviously, since I kind of figured the roasting didn't take place in heaven) and punished in hell by whatever used to commit suicide (i.e. if you drowned yourself, you will forever drown - how that goes hand in hand with the roasting, I'm not sure, but it doesn't sound pleasant.)
Hinduism: this religion says that a person who commits suicide will wander the earth as a bad ghost, aimlessly, until his alotted lifetime is over, to then be punished more severely in hell.
I kind of stopped there since I got the picture. I was thinking of becoming religious before doing the final act, because it would give me something to look forward to after death, but I guess I'll pass on that and remain an atheist. A great, vast nothing sounds better than fires of hell and eternal drowning.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
14 days left...
I think I reached a pretty important question today.
I say "question" and not "answer" because it will probably take me a few more days to come up with one, but the question in itself is already something I hadn't thought of asking myself before. Being suicidal, everything seems to revolve around aspects of life which promote your suicidal tendencies or your general depression; like you'll start to stress the bad things in life, you'll start feeling sorry for yourself over trivial matters, you'll start hating yourself and others for no reason, etc.
But all that is besides the point.
Today I stopped and asked myself for a moment: what is it that I want? After all this, and seeing what I'm planning to do in roughly two weeks, I haven't really reflected on this in a while and kind of lost sight of it. What is it exactly that I actually want and how am I hoping to get it?
Now again I don't want to give readers false hope, I'm nowhere near changing my mind, but I'd like for others to answer this question for themselves too.
I say "question" and not "answer" because it will probably take me a few more days to come up with one, but the question in itself is already something I hadn't thought of asking myself before. Being suicidal, everything seems to revolve around aspects of life which promote your suicidal tendencies or your general depression; like you'll start to stress the bad things in life, you'll start feeling sorry for yourself over trivial matters, you'll start hating yourself and others for no reason, etc.
But all that is besides the point.
Today I stopped and asked myself for a moment: what is it that I want? After all this, and seeing what I'm planning to do in roughly two weeks, I haven't really reflected on this in a while and kind of lost sight of it. What is it exactly that I actually want and how am I hoping to get it?
Now again I don't want to give readers false hope, I'm nowhere near changing my mind, but I'd like for others to answer this question for themselves too.
Monday, April 21, 2008
15 days left...
Someone sent me this video today as an inspiration on how to commit suicide:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCXmYMPEAlc
Somehow it seems a bit impractical though. I won't decide on how to do it until the very last day anyway.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCXmYMPEAlc
Somehow it seems a bit impractical though. I won't decide on how to do it until the very last day anyway.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
16 days left...
Sorry for not updating guys, I was totally beat yesterday, went shopping with my mom. I'll blog about it later, I still have time.
Anyway. I got another really interesting e-mail today, though I'm not sure if interesting is the correct word to use here; it's just one of those messages that really gripped me, so I felt obliged to throw it on my blog:
"Two years ago my teenage sister committed suicide. She took an overdose of medication and left behind three suicide notes, one for me, one for her friends and one for our mom.
The letters themselves were full of hatred and despise, not unlike many of your blog entries, in fact that's why I mailed you, because i recognize your thinking in her writing. But the issue I wanted to bring to your attention is not how her thinking was similar to yours, but more importantly what her final thoughts were.
I found my sister on her bed a short while after she had taken the OD, and she was still conscious at the time, though heavily sedated. I didn't know what was wrong at first and I tried to get her fully conscious again, but she just kept drifting further away.
And the last thing she managed to say to me was "I don't wanna die."
She realized what she had, and she realized what she was destroying the very last second of her life, when it was already too late. This event forever marked me, my mother and all of my sister's friends, of which some are in therapy STILL because they blame themselves.
So I guess my point is please reconsider what you're doing. Cause I know you feel the same way, somewhere deep inside.
Please."
I'm not planning to reconsider. Not at this point. But your e-mail still touched me, and I thought it was something I just had to show to the world.
Anyway. I got another really interesting e-mail today, though I'm not sure if interesting is the correct word to use here; it's just one of those messages that really gripped me, so I felt obliged to throw it on my blog:
"Two years ago my teenage sister committed suicide. She took an overdose of medication and left behind three suicide notes, one for me, one for her friends and one for our mom.
The letters themselves were full of hatred and despise, not unlike many of your blog entries, in fact that's why I mailed you, because i recognize your thinking in her writing. But the issue I wanted to bring to your attention is not how her thinking was similar to yours, but more importantly what her final thoughts were.
I found my sister on her bed a short while after she had taken the OD, and she was still conscious at the time, though heavily sedated. I didn't know what was wrong at first and I tried to get her fully conscious again, but she just kept drifting further away.
And the last thing she managed to say to me was "I don't wanna die."
She realized what she had, and she realized what she was destroying the very last second of her life, when it was already too late. This event forever marked me, my mother and all of my sister's friends, of which some are in therapy STILL because they blame themselves.
So I guess my point is please reconsider what you're doing. Cause I know you feel the same way, somewhere deep inside.
Please."
I'm not planning to reconsider. Not at this point. But your e-mail still touched me, and I thought it was something I just had to show to the world.
Friday, April 18, 2008
18 days left...
I love my sister.
I love her and my parents, and I love all my friends, and I've been up all night crying over it. If they are such good people, and I love them so, how can I ever do this to them? How can I commit suicide and leave my loving friends, parents, and baby sister to suffer for it?
I know I'm beginning to sound like a broken record, but it still bugs me.
I need something to hate them for, but something good, something I can really tell myself with that somehow this is all their fault and they deserve what's coming... I need a reason to hate them.
And I'll find one.
Even if it's the last thing I do.
I love her and my parents, and I love all my friends, and I've been up all night crying over it. If they are such good people, and I love them so, how can I ever do this to them? How can I commit suicide and leave my loving friends, parents, and baby sister to suffer for it?
I know I'm beginning to sound like a broken record, but it still bugs me.
I need something to hate them for, but something good, something I can really tell myself with that somehow this is all their fault and they deserve what's coming... I need a reason to hate them.
And I'll find one.
Even if it's the last thing I do.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
19 days left...
Here's a really interesting e-mail reaction I got:
"My name is. I shot myself in the head 15 yrs ago. I consider myself very fortunate as I obviously did not die. Yes, I was in physical, speech and occupational therapies for a few years, but I have succeeded in returning to school; going to work; getting married; and having a beautiful baby boy. I am going to take your attempt as real and not made up. I hope you contact me so as to have someone who understands what it is you are going through. The world is better with you in it."
Kinda made me wonder...
What if you don't kill yourself, or you survive the attempt, and years from now you're just the happiest person alive... That's something you would've missed out on if you had succeeded. And by "you" I of course mean "I" here, but I'm just generalizing it to not confront myself too much.
I still want to do it.
I think.
"My name is
Kinda made me wonder...
What if you don't kill yourself, or you survive the attempt, and years from now you're just the happiest person alive... That's something you would've missed out on if you had succeeded. And by "you" I of course mean "I" here, but I'm just generalizing it to not confront myself too much.
I still want to do it.
I think.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
20 days left...
Another thing I've been thinking a lot about these past few days is how so many depressed and suicidal people have this general idea of not being understood by anyone.
I must admit that I myself have been a victim of this myself until recently, but when I finally seriously thought about it it just seemed so silly to me. Everyone can be understood. No one is so different or deviant that he is alone in how he feels or who he is. No one. The only reason a person can sometimes be 'not understood' is because of a lack of or flaw in communication, and that's also the major problem I had when I felt like no one understood me.
I subconsciously wanted to not be understood, and I'm sure many people who can identify with me will agree on this; if you're contemplating suicide, all you want is a remedy for the guilt, or worse: a reason why those you will leave behind deserve the pain you will cause them. Hence if you're already feeling depressed, the subconscious plan of action is to not talk about it with your loved ones, not try to explain your feelings or situation to them, because by not doing these things you make sure they will not understand you - and if they don't understand you, you have a reason to hate them.
It's pathetic, really. I stopped doing that. From now on I'm as open and honest as can be, and I won't make illusions anymore. I'm going to see things for what they are.
But that's not to say that my plans have been altered, although I must admit there's an inkling of doubt now, I have not changed my mind.
I must admit that I myself have been a victim of this myself until recently, but when I finally seriously thought about it it just seemed so silly to me. Everyone can be understood. No one is so different or deviant that he is alone in how he feels or who he is. No one. The only reason a person can sometimes be 'not understood' is because of a lack of or flaw in communication, and that's also the major problem I had when I felt like no one understood me.
I subconsciously wanted to not be understood, and I'm sure many people who can identify with me will agree on this; if you're contemplating suicide, all you want is a remedy for the guilt, or worse: a reason why those you will leave behind deserve the pain you will cause them. Hence if you're already feeling depressed, the subconscious plan of action is to not talk about it with your loved ones, not try to explain your feelings or situation to them, because by not doing these things you make sure they will not understand you - and if they don't understand you, you have a reason to hate them.
It's pathetic, really. I stopped doing that. From now on I'm as open and honest as can be, and I won't make illusions anymore. I'm going to see things for what they are.
But that's not to say that my plans have been altered, although I must admit there's an inkling of doubt now, I have not changed my mind.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
21 days left...
I have today decided to give myself one last mission before I leave this planet.
That mission is to find out more about life, what it means, and how come it is so subjective. I caught a part of a war documentary on tv the other day, which is actually what got me thinking in the first place, and I've been wondering about how absurd the comparison really is. On the one hand you have people fighting for their lives despite the overwhelming misery that surrounds them, and with this I mean not only soldiers, but also children who are dying of famine and diseases, victims of abuse and torture, men and women who know what the word pain really means; both mentally and physically.
And on the other hand you have boys and girls who contemplate taking their own lives because of their low popularity in school, a broken heart or their general sense of emptiness, despite the fact that they have never felt but an ounce of the misery of the people I mentioned before.
Now the first mentioned, the soldiers and dying children, the men and women who have seen true misery, they cling to life with all their might. There are men who have seen their best friends slain besides them while limping on injured legs, and yet they made it through and they live out their lives and try to be happy...
What makes us so miserable that we would take our own lives when they would not? That is my questions to all my readers. Not that I am changing my mind, cause I'm not, but I am curious if anyone can rationalize it for me.
That mission is to find out more about life, what it means, and how come it is so subjective. I caught a part of a war documentary on tv the other day, which is actually what got me thinking in the first place, and I've been wondering about how absurd the comparison really is. On the one hand you have people fighting for their lives despite the overwhelming misery that surrounds them, and with this I mean not only soldiers, but also children who are dying of famine and diseases, victims of abuse and torture, men and women who know what the word pain really means; both mentally and physically.
And on the other hand you have boys and girls who contemplate taking their own lives because of their low popularity in school, a broken heart or their general sense of emptiness, despite the fact that they have never felt but an ounce of the misery of the people I mentioned before.
Now the first mentioned, the soldiers and dying children, the men and women who have seen true misery, they cling to life with all their might. There are men who have seen their best friends slain besides them while limping on injured legs, and yet they made it through and they live out their lives and try to be happy...
What makes us so miserable that we would take our own lives when they would not? That is my questions to all my readers. Not that I am changing my mind, cause I'm not, but I am curious if anyone can rationalize it for me.
Monday, April 14, 2008
22 days left...
I've been getting an increased number of mails from people asking me how I am eventually going to kill myself, whether or not I've considered already.
Well, yes I have, but I haven't come to a conclusion yet. One man e-mailed me saying that I should cover myself in steaks and go out into the woods to get eaten by a bear (presuming I know of a forest where there be bears). He suggested that would be an awesome way to go.
I don't necessarily agree. ^^
Too tired for a serious update though, I'll put one on tomorrow.
Well, yes I have, but I haven't come to a conclusion yet. One man e-mailed me saying that I should cover myself in steaks and go out into the woods to get eaten by a bear (presuming I know of a forest where there be bears). He suggested that would be an awesome way to go.
I don't necessarily agree. ^^
Too tired for a serious update though, I'll put one on tomorrow.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
23 days left...
This is impossible.
Mom and sis went picnicking today near the playground, and since they invited me over I thought it would be kind of rude if I didn't show up, so I did, but when I got there I just froze. I don't know what came over me, but I just sat myself behind a tree a safe distance from them (they hadn't seen me yet) and just stared at them. Just stared at how they were so happy. And I thought to myself, how could I possibly hate them, while I know that if I just made an effort I could be as happy too?
I'm smart enough to realize that happiness is not something you're born with, nor something that is given to you in life. It's something you, and only you, can create. So I just couldn't fool myself. I couldn't hate them for being happy cause I know it's all my fault if I'm not, and that I can get out of this rud myself. I don't know why I don't... I don't know why I still want to go through with this.
But I do.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
24 days left...
Someone sent me an interesting mail about the whole trying to get depressed issue.
"I think getting depressed was a bad idea.
If u are depressed, u get emotional... And getting emotional makes it even harder to kill yourself.
Just one tip: Learn to hate. Hate all your friends/parents and even your sister for being happy.
If you hate them, it will be so easy."
Having read this I must say that I kind of started to agree. I'm too smart to tell myself that life isn't worth living and that I'm worth nothing, cause everyone is what he/she makes of him/herself, I know that, so getting depressed without further ado isn't really working. I guess I should try hate.
Thanks!
"I think getting depressed was a bad idea.
If u are depressed, u get emotional... And getting emotional makes it even harder to kill yourself.
Just one tip: Learn to hate. Hate all your friends/parents and even your sister for being happy.
If you hate them, it will be so easy."
Having read this I must say that I kind of started to agree. I'm too smart to tell myself that life isn't worth living and that I'm worth nothing, cause everyone is what he/she makes of him/herself, I know that, so getting depressed without further ado isn't really working. I guess I should try hate.
Thanks!
Friday, April 11, 2008
25 days left...
I took a long walk today to clear my head.
I thought it was time to get a nice and clear view on who I am and where I stand right now, as a human being, because these are in fact my final days and I won't have the chance anymore soon.
The weather was so great today that I actually felt gleeful. Seeing the forest here in spring, a soft sunshine filtering through, it was one of those sights that kind of makes you happy you're alive, just to be able to experience it. I kind of hated myself for taking that walk afterwards, cause now I have to start all over with getting my state of mind low enough to get it over with.
I guess that's life (irony intended).
I thought it was time to get a nice and clear view on who I am and where I stand right now, as a human being, because these are in fact my final days and I won't have the chance anymore soon.
The weather was so great today that I actually felt gleeful. Seeing the forest here in spring, a soft sunshine filtering through, it was one of those sights that kind of makes you happy you're alive, just to be able to experience it. I kind of hated myself for taking that walk afterwards, cause now I have to start all over with getting my state of mind low enough to get it over with.
I guess that's life (irony intended).
26 days left...
I got some angry e-mails today from people who apparently don't understand me (as if anyone does, rite?)
Here's one example, a guy who mailed me giving possible scenarios of what would happen to my family after I kill myself:
"I'm just going to go ahead and throw out some hypotheticals.
1. Racked with grief and guilt, both of your parents kill themselves. Your sister is orphaned and abused in her orphanage or abused by people who adopt her. She goes on to lead a fucked up life (like becoming a serial killer or something).
2. One of your parents kills themself. The other one goes insane and beats the shit out of your sister on a regular basis. They both end up having terrible lives
3. Your sister kills herself. Your parents get a divorce and die depressed and alone."
Does he not understand? This is exactly why I need to become a selfish little cunt, because otherwise I'll be caring about stuff like that. Sure, something like that may be likely to happen when I commit suicide, but the trick is not to care.
Bleh, I feel like a broken record. Or just broken. Yeah, I just feel broken. =(
Here's one example, a guy who mailed me giving possible scenarios of what would happen to my family after I kill myself:
"I'm just going to go ahead and throw out some hypotheticals.
1. Racked with grief and guilt, both of your parents kill themselves. Your sister is orphaned and abused in her orphanage or abused by people who adopt her. She goes on to lead a fucked up life (like becoming a serial killer or something).
2. One of your parents kills themself. The other one goes insane and beats the shit out of your sister on a regular basis. They both end up having terrible lives
3. Your sister kills herself. Your parents get a divorce and die depressed and alone."
Does he not understand? This is exactly why I need to become a selfish little cunt, because otherwise I'll be caring about stuff like that. Sure, something like that may be likely to happen when I commit suicide, but the trick is not to care.
Bleh, I feel like a broken record. Or just broken. Yeah, I just feel broken. =(
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
27 days left...
Okay, so now I'm officially depressed. Mission accomplished there.
The easy part's over, now on to the more advanced stage: not caring about the people around me. This is actually a lot trickier than I thought it would be. I spent some more time with my little sis today, and I almost had tears in my eyes when I thought about what my departing would do to her as I watched her play with her dolls. And not only her, but my friends and parents as well.
Doing what I intend to do after this blog is something that will leave them all devastated and scarred for the rest of their lives, it's a crime towards others more than anything, it's assault, on a mental and deep emotional level. So it's going to be quite hard to get over that, to not feel like a selfish fool.
But I guess I'll just have to manage it.
The easy part's over, now on to the more advanced stage: not caring about the people around me. This is actually a lot trickier than I thought it would be. I spent some more time with my little sis today, and I almost had tears in my eyes when I thought about what my departing would do to her as I watched her play with her dolls. And not only her, but my friends and parents as well.
Doing what I intend to do after this blog is something that will leave them all devastated and scarred for the rest of their lives, it's a crime towards others more than anything, it's assault, on a mental and deep emotional level. So it's going to be quite hard to get over that, to not feel like a selfish fool.
But I guess I'll just have to manage it.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
27 days left...
I'm feeling a little depressed now. Which is great.
I've been spending my nights watching sad movies and trying to cry rather than getting some sleep, so my mental state has kind of almost been completely crushed already. Someone also gave me some pretty handy meditation techniques via e-mail (thanks) about how to train yourself to not care about anyone or anything anymore; which would save me a lot of moral conflict when I do the deed.
So far I'd still feel guilty about leaving my parents, my friends and my little sis behind, but I'm still working on it. My motto is, if you do something; do it right.
Monday, April 7, 2008
29 days left...
I'm pleased to see that I got some genuine tips about how to get depressed, so thanks to all the people that mailed us!
Someone mailed me last night before I went to bed and suggested that I would simply stop sleeping, that I would stay awake for as long as humanly possible. He said that doing that would make me less capable of managing my emotions and being rational, which would eventually get me into a deep depression.
So I started doing that. Haven't slept last night and I don't plan to do so this night either. I'm already beginning to feel some effect of it, but not by far enough.
Someone mailed me last night before I went to bed and suggested that I would simply stop sleeping, that I would stay awake for as long as humanly possible. He said that doing that would make me less capable of managing my emotions and being rational, which would eventually get me into a deep depression.
So I started doing that. Haven't slept last night and I don't plan to do so this night either. I'm already beginning to feel some effect of it, but not by far enough.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
30 days left...
Okay so I started listening to My Chemical Romance, Thursday, Slipknot and Linkin Park non-stop now, I have like all their albums on a huge playlist - with their slightly happier songs cut out.
Other than that I am putting together a list of utterly depressing movies to watch in this last month, and I'm also compiling a list of depressing things to go see or do; like there's musea here about World War II and such, they never really fail to dampen your spirits. I also sit on the floor for at least 30 minutes per day, sort of meditating I guess, telling myself over and over that I am a failure. So far that's working magic.
If anyone has any more suggestions about how to get to a new low in human depression, shoot! I'm gonna need it.
Other than that I am putting together a list of utterly depressing movies to watch in this last month, and I'm also compiling a list of depressing things to go see or do; like there's musea here about World War II and such, they never really fail to dampen your spirits. I also sit on the floor for at least 30 minutes per day, sort of meditating I guess, telling myself over and over that I am a failure. So far that's working magic.
If anyone has any more suggestions about how to get to a new low in human depression, shoot! I'm gonna need it.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
31 days left...
Okay. I have exactly one month left.
I finished boxing the most important stuff that I want to pass on to my beloved little sis or my parents, and I've added the appropriate suicide notes in each box, so that's done. Of course I locked up these boxes in my closet and carry the key with me wherever I go since my mom or anyone else coming into my appartment could find them otherwise.
Next on my to-do list is to get depressed.
That's right, I am going to do my best to depress myself, to get my mood as low as humanly possible, cause that's the only way I'll be able to get it over with in 30 days without having moral objections of my own.
Let the crying commence. ^^
I finished boxing the most important stuff that I want to pass on to my beloved little sis or my parents, and I've added the appropriate suicide notes in each box, so that's done. Of course I locked up these boxes in my closet and carry the key with me wherever I go since my mom or anyone else coming into my appartment could find them otherwise.
Next on my to-do list is to get depressed.
That's right, I am going to do my best to depress myself, to get my mood as low as humanly possible, cause that's the only way I'll be able to get it over with in 30 days without having moral objections of my own.
Let the crying commence. ^^
Friday, April 4, 2008
32 days left...
Yes, I know, that was a cruel April fool's prank, now get over it.
Seriously why are you all mailing me about it saying how I shouldn't do things like that? It's just a bit of fun. There is nothing immoral about a prank as long as it turns out to be just that. Like on April fool's day, since I wasn't writing a blog and I could spend that time thinking up something else, I thought up and pulled a prank on my little sister. ^^
What I did was go in to her room while she was out with my grandparents (they still go on easter egg hunts with her) and play dead on her bed. So when she came home and entered her room, I was lying face-down on her bed, completely motionless (and on that note, holding your breath for that long is hard).
So she giggled and thought I was playing, and tried to wake me up, but when I didn't move even after fifteen seconds she started yelling at me that it wasn't funny (which of course it was) and after another 10 seconds or so she started crying.
I just jumped up and startled her then, since I couldn't hold my breath any longer. You should've seen the look on her face. =p
Well, at least now I know how she'll react to the real thing.
Seriously why are you all mailing me about it saying how I shouldn't do things like that? It's just a bit of fun. There is nothing immoral about a prank as long as it turns out to be just that. Like on April fool's day, since I wasn't writing a blog and I could spend that time thinking up something else, I thought up and pulled a prank on my little sister. ^^
What I did was go in to her room while she was out with my grandparents (they still go on easter egg hunts with her) and play dead on her bed. So when she came home and entered her room, I was lying face-down on her bed, completely motionless (and on that note, holding your breath for that long is hard).
So she giggled and thought I was playing, and tried to wake me up, but when I didn't move even after fifteen seconds she started yelling at me that it wasn't funny (which of course it was) and after another 10 seconds or so she started crying.
I just jumped up and startled her then, since I couldn't hold my breath any longer. You should've seen the look on her face. =p
Well, at least now I know how she'll react to the real thing.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
33 days left...
April fool's!
Seriously you can't believe how hard I've been laughing with all the mails I've been getting about whether or not I'm dead yet. Did you guys honestly believe I wouldn't finish my blog first? ^^
So for all those who were worrying, not to fret, I'm here alive and well for another 33 days or so, that blog was just a little joke of mine; it was April 1st after all.
Seriously you can't believe how hard I've been laughing with all the mails I've been getting about whether or not I'm dead yet. Did you guys honestly believe I wouldn't finish my blog first? ^^
So for all those who were worrying, not to fret, I'm here alive and well for another 33 days or so, that blog was just a little joke of mine; it was April 1st after all.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
35 days left...
This will be my last blog.
Apparently my mother did find that suicide note I wrote several weeks ago (the one she allegedly couldn't read cause it went into the washing machine along with my jeans), turns out she knew all along and she's been contacting "people" that can help me. I noticed since I had been getting strangely cheery messages from friends, and I really knew when a friend of my mom's came by to talk to me last night; about "life"...
Could it be any more conspicuous?
Knowing this I see no other option but to end this blog - and my life - already. I've slept for three hours last night and spent the rest of my night finishing my suicide letters and organizing the things I want to leave behind.
To all my readers: by the time the first comment reaches my blog I will in all probability already be gone, I don't want to stick around to see whatever people have to say about this, it's my choice and it's painful enough to share it like this. So don't bother commenting or mailing me if you want to stop me, you won't reach anyone.
Mom, sis, all my friends, if you read this, I wasn't mad at any of you. And if you didn't find my notes, they are on my bed.
Please forgive me.
Apparently my mother did find that suicide note I wrote several weeks ago (the one she allegedly couldn't read cause it went into the washing machine along with my jeans), turns out she knew all along and she's been contacting "people" that can help me. I noticed since I had been getting strangely cheery messages from friends, and I really knew when a friend of my mom's came by to talk to me last night; about "life"...
Could it be any more conspicuous?
Knowing this I see no other option but to end this blog - and my life - already. I've slept for three hours last night and spent the rest of my night finishing my suicide letters and organizing the things I want to leave behind.
To all my readers: by the time the first comment reaches my blog I will in all probability already be gone, I don't want to stick around to see whatever people have to say about this, it's my choice and it's painful enough to share it like this. So don't bother commenting or mailing me if you want to stop me, you won't reach anyone.
Mom, sis, all my friends, if you read this, I wasn't mad at any of you. And if you didn't find my notes, they are on my bed.
Please forgive me.
Monday, March 31, 2008
36 days left...
So, someone sent me this 'interesting' picture.
In other news, my life sucks.
Those were the headlines for today. Stay tuned for the weather.
Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain.
Oh, and I got some more e-mails from people who want to help me, one guy said that anyone who is thinking about suicide should read this website first:
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/spagebw.htm
It's well written and it's definitely intelligent, so if you're a suicidal person reading this, check it out and maybe it'll be inspiring for you. He asked me to put it in my blog so there I did.
In other news, my life sucks.
Those were the headlines for today. Stay tuned for the weather.
Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain.
Oh, and I got some more e-mails from people who want to help me, one guy said that anyone who is thinking about suicide should read this website first:
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/spagebw.htm
It's well written and it's definitely intelligent, so if you're a suicidal person reading this, check it out and maybe it'll be inspiring for you. He asked me to put it in my blog so there I did.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
37 days left...
The last few days I've been getting several mails about how my life can't possibly be that bad.
People have been telling me that there are children dying in Africa, nations torn by war and conflict, innocent people dying of starvation or disease, people losing everything to floods or other disasters, I've also been sent links to documentaries about child abuse and pedophile red light districts etc.
I guess these mails were either meant as some sick joke, or to show me that my life is nowhere near as bad in comparison. In either case, they failed.
My life IS terrible, even in comparison. Children that were born into prostitution or war have gotten used to it, it's nowhere near as bad for them as my life is to me, because it's so unfair that bad things would happen to me, in this context, while it's natural for them.
I'm the victim here!
Saturday, March 29, 2008
38 days left...
I can't really describe my mood very well today, at least not better than this piece of lyrics from the Slipknot song People = Shit:
Come on down and see the idiot right here
Too fucked to beg and not afraid to care
What's the matter with calamity anyway?
Right? Get the fuck outta my face
Understand that I can't feel anything
It isn't like I wanna sift through the decay
I feel like a wound, like I've got a fuckin'
Gun against my head - You live when I'm dead
One more time, motherfucker
Everybody hates me now, so fuck it
Blood's on my face and my hands, and I
Don't know why. I'm not afraid to cry
But that's none of your business
Whose life is it? Get it? See it? Feel it? Eat it?
Turn it around so I can spit in its face
I wanna leave without a trace
Don't ask.
Come on down and see the idiot right here
Too fucked to beg and not afraid to care
What's the matter with calamity anyway?
Right? Get the fuck outta my face
Understand that I can't feel anything
It isn't like I wanna sift through the decay
I feel like a wound, like I've got a fuckin'
Gun against my head - You live when I'm dead
One more time, motherfucker
Everybody hates me now, so fuck it
Blood's on my face and my hands, and I
Don't know why. I'm not afraid to cry
But that's none of your business
Whose life is it? Get it? See it? Feel it? Eat it?
Turn it around so I can spit in its face
I wanna leave without a trace
Don't ask.
Friday, March 28, 2008
39 days left...
Sorry I couldn't upload a blog last night guys, my internet was down. =(
Anyway, listen to this.
A guy mailed me yesterday (a little late) in response to my question about 'why I should continue living', if there was any reason at all. Now this is one of the more serious mails I've gotten on the topic so far, here's what he says:
"What happens to you when you die is not certain. In fact, neither science nor philosophy can even hint at what the afterlife is like, so for all we know it could be a terrible fate. The point is that it's a blind leap, and not just that, it's a leap we all take at one point, so to begin with I see no point in taking it now rather than later (i.e. dieing peacefully of old age surrounded by people who love you).
What is certain, is what happens to the people around you when you die. The one and only thing we know for sure about the effects of your death is that your family, your friends, and especially your little sister, will be left behind broken and depressed. That your act of cowardice and selfishness will break the spirits of many people, just because you couldn't wait to see what lies beyond that gate.
Now where is the sense in that? Where is the sense in ending your life and causing so much pain, while you could spend it causing joy, and taking that leap later?"
That was it. Completely anonymous too, and I can see why, he's just a total loser. :-P
Seriously, what a load of crap.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
So my little sister learned about life and death the other day.
I went to see my mother today and she told me that our dog Emilio (well, actually my sister's dog) died yesterday. Apparently he got run over by a car, the poor thing wasn't even 4 years old. In any case my sister was still in tears over it, and she told me later in her room that she felt really guilty about it because she might have been able to prevent it somehow and that she would never forgive herself.
I can't imagine what she'll feel like in 41 days. But I guess I don't really have to imagine either, it'll just make it harder.
I went to see my mother today and she told me that our dog Emilio (well, actually my sister's dog) died yesterday. Apparently he got run over by a car, the poor thing wasn't even 4 years old. In any case my sister was still in tears over it, and she told me later in her room that she felt really guilty about it because she might have been able to prevent it somehow and that she would never forgive herself.
I can't imagine what she'll feel like in 41 days. But I guess I don't really have to imagine either, it'll just make it harder.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
42 days left...
I don't know if it's just here in my country, but the weather seems to be going crazy!
When I woke up there was practically a snowstorm going on outside, with at least 3 centimeters of snow covering the ground and trees. Five minutes later there wasn't a cloud in the sky, temperatures rose and the day was sunny as could be. Another five to ten minutes later we had rain and hail, followed by snow again; and then the whole cycle kind of repeated.
Before I started this 90 Day initiative, I was pretty concerned with global warming and making the world a better place in general, but that was (obviously) before I stopped caring. Now it just feels kind of weird to see all these climate changes, disasters on tv, etc. Cause a part of me says "this is important" and the other, more rational part of me says, "just laugh at it, you won't be around to see their suffering anyway".
I just thought I'd share that little semi-schizo phase I had, since I have nothing better to blog about.
When I woke up there was practically a snowstorm going on outside, with at least 3 centimeters of snow covering the ground and trees. Five minutes later there wasn't a cloud in the sky, temperatures rose and the day was sunny as could be. Another five to ten minutes later we had rain and hail, followed by snow again; and then the whole cycle kind of repeated.
Before I started this 90 Day initiative, I was pretty concerned with global warming and making the world a better place in general, but that was (obviously) before I stopped caring. Now it just feels kind of weird to see all these climate changes, disasters on tv, etc. Cause a part of me says "this is important" and the other, more rational part of me says, "just laugh at it, you won't be around to see their suffering anyway".
I just thought I'd share that little semi-schizo phase I had, since I have nothing better to blog about.
Monday, March 24, 2008
43 days left...
Sorry there was no blog last night guys, I just had a pretty crazy night.
I'm not sure if I can even write about it, I don't think I fully understand it myself, but... I guess everyone's had their life-changing moments in their lives and I suppose this was one of mine, pretty ironic considering my 90-day initiative. I went out last night with a friend (no one I've blogged about, so doesn't really matter who) and we just had some fun, nothing out of the ordinary, and at the end of the night I walked him back to his place and then walked the rest of the way alone (otherwise he'd have to walk to and fro all the way with me).
And about halfway home I noticed an ambulance parked outside a house, with a small crowd of people surrounding the curb. I just stood there, listening to 10,000 Days on my MP3 player as if it were a soundtrack to what was happening around me, and I watched as the medics brought out the body of an old woman.
I couldn't hear what they were saying, but I knew she was dead. It was obvious, I don't really know why, but it was. I just went home after the ambulance left, and I didn't sleep all night. I don't know why. But I should get it out of my head. It shouldn't bother me.
My mind was set, and it still is.
I'm not sure if I can even write about it, I don't think I fully understand it myself, but... I guess everyone's had their life-changing moments in their lives and I suppose this was one of mine, pretty ironic considering my 90-day initiative. I went out last night with a friend (no one I've blogged about, so doesn't really matter who) and we just had some fun, nothing out of the ordinary, and at the end of the night I walked him back to his place and then walked the rest of the way alone (otherwise he'd have to walk to and fro all the way with me).
And about halfway home I noticed an ambulance parked outside a house, with a small crowd of people surrounding the curb. I just stood there, listening to 10,000 Days on my MP3 player as if it were a soundtrack to what was happening around me, and I watched as the medics brought out the body of an old woman.
I couldn't hear what they were saying, but I knew she was dead. It was obvious, I don't really know why, but it was. I just went home after the ambulance left, and I didn't sleep all night. I don't know why. But I should get it out of my head. It shouldn't bother me.
My mind was set, and it still is.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
45 days left...
Strangely I didn't get any e-mails today about the porn star question, but I did get plenty of replies about how to break the sex taboo (which I previously set as one of my last goals.)
Seeing that I was alone all day and no one was stopping by I decided to walk around naked in my apartment all day, taking the advice of a man who mailed me saying it would be a liberating experience and might change my mind altogether about the whole suicide deal. Well, that it didn't, but it was pretty liberating I must say, and ironically while reading the mails (still naked, as per principle for the day) someone suggested that I walk out on a famous street (he took Wall St. as an example) completely naked, with or without slogan or banner with a message on it.
It's not a bad idea, and it would probably give me the feeling like I've accomplished something, but I'm not sure yet. I'd like to hear more ideas first.
Seeing that I was alone all day and no one was stopping by I decided to walk around naked in my apartment all day, taking the advice of a man who mailed me saying it would be a liberating experience and might change my mind altogether about the whole suicide deal. Well, that it didn't, but it was pretty liberating I must say, and ironically while reading the mails (still naked, as per principle for the day) someone suggested that I walk out on a famous street (he took Wall St. as an example) completely naked, with or without slogan or banner with a message on it.
It's not a bad idea, and it would probably give me the feeling like I've accomplished something, but I'm not sure yet. I'd like to hear more ideas first.
Friday, March 21, 2008
46 days left...
For some reason I haven't been able to get that e-mail regarding the porn movie out of my head.
I'm not saying I want to do it, cause I haven't made any decisions yet, but just the whole concept of acting in a pornographic film is... intriguing (for lack of a better word, I guess). I mean, for people who still have their whole life ahead of them, how do they handle being a porn star in their daily lives? Just imagine this with me for a second, can you even still have family dinners if you're a porn star? Can you still have normal conversations with siblings or even friends?
Seriously, I mean imagine sitting at the Christmas table with family and friends, knowing that the only thing they can comment or compliment you on is "Yeah, good job in interracial gang bang there, great intensity..."
Not that I would have to worry about that since this porn movie (that I have been offered to participate in) would only be released two months after my "expiration date". But still, I'm curious, if there are any porn stars out there or people who have an idea of what it's like, feel free to mail me and talk about it!
I'm not saying I want to do it, cause I haven't made any decisions yet, but just the whole concept of acting in a pornographic film is... intriguing (for lack of a better word, I guess). I mean, for people who still have their whole life ahead of them, how do they handle being a porn star in their daily lives? Just imagine this with me for a second, can you even still have family dinners if you're a porn star? Can you still have normal conversations with siblings or even friends?
Seriously, I mean imagine sitting at the Christmas table with family and friends, knowing that the only thing they can comment or compliment you on is "Yeah, good job in interracial gang bang there, great intensity..."
Not that I would have to worry about that since this porn movie (that I have been offered to participate in) would only be released two months after my "expiration date". But still, I'm curious, if there are any porn stars out there or people who have an idea of what it's like, feel free to mail me and talk about it!
Thursday, March 20, 2008
47 days left...
Okay, I don't know what I did but I just got a huge mail spike.
I think I received like twice as many mails as I usually get per day, and I have no idea where they all came from. I really don't have the time to answer or even read them all to so huge apologies to everyone who mailed me and didn't get a reply, I just don't know what happened here, I'm drowning in mails!
I did quickly skim the topics and senders to see if there's anything I really shouldn't be missing, and I managed to filter out another mail from the "mysterious celebrity" I had drinks with a while ago, he just wanted to know how I was doing; I actually think he wants to go out with me again but doesn't dare to ask, so if you're reading this (you know who you are, you), just ask! :p
Also, I received a mail from a pornography director who apparently took my comment about acting in a porn movie without the grain of salt I gave it away with. He said that he would pay a ridiculous amount of money to have me as a star in his new porn movie, and I would of course have a say in how far I wanted to go in it (soft porn, hard porn, and all variations of the latter).
I don't know if I should be flattered, intrigued, or repelled. ^^
I think I received like twice as many mails as I usually get per day, and I have no idea where they all came from. I really don't have the time to answer or even read them all to so huge apologies to everyone who mailed me and didn't get a reply, I just don't know what happened here, I'm drowning in mails!
I did quickly skim the topics and senders to see if there's anything I really shouldn't be missing, and I managed to filter out another mail from the "mysterious celebrity" I had drinks with a while ago, he just wanted to know how I was doing; I actually think he wants to go out with me again but doesn't dare to ask, so if you're reading this (you know who you are, you), just ask! :p
Also, I received a mail from a pornography director who apparently took my comment about acting in a porn movie without the grain of salt I gave it away with. He said that he would pay a ridiculous amount of money to have me as a star in his new porn movie, and I would of course have a say in how far I wanted to go in it (soft porn, hard porn, and all variations of the latter).
I don't know if I should be flattered, intrigued, or repelled. ^^
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
48 days left...
I'd love to say that I have something really interesting to write about right now, but I'm a geek, so go figure. How does a geek girl spend her last days? By browsing the internet.
Seriously I have been reading Digg and GAF for hours now while listening to some Thursday, all that has just taken the majority of my day. I wasn't planning on it though, was planning to even go to the zoo maybe (omg adventure!) but then that guy (the one who asked me to have sex with him - *points to previous blogs*) sent me a link to this: the 25 most scary sex toys (http://www.cracked.com/article_16032_25-most-disturbing-sex-toys.html).
He told me he had one of them, but he wouldn't say which unless I wanted to find out.
I must say my curiosity is piqued. ^^
Seriously I have been reading Digg and GAF for hours now while listening to some Thursday, all that has just taken the majority of my day. I wasn't planning on it though, was planning to even go to the zoo maybe (omg adventure!) but then that guy (the one who asked me to have sex with him - *points to previous blogs*) sent me a link to this: the 25 most scary sex toys (http://www.cracked.com/article_16032_25-most-disturbing-sex-toys.html).
He told me he had one of them, but he wouldn't say which unless I wanted to find out.
I must say my curiosity is piqued. ^^
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
49 days left...
Something from that would-be philosophical conversation last night kind of stuck with me.
What happens after we die?
I was up pretty late last night thinking about it. I'm not a religious person, so I was trying to imagine what it would be like to be... well, dead. I do somewhat believe in the soul, and that there is an astral or spiritual being inside of us that makes us who we are, but I've never been a great philosopher.
There are just two problems with dying in my opinion: one is that maybe the afterlife is much, much worse than this one (that would be ironic), and the other is that if you're a ghost when you die; if your soul lingers, you would be able to see how much hurt and suffering you caused those that you left behind - and honestly, no one wants to see a little girl crying over their graves, so I'd like to pass on that.
But these are just speculations, so if anyone has any other views on what could happen to use after death, mail them to me, I'm interested.
What happens after we die?
I was up pretty late last night thinking about it. I'm not a religious person, so I was trying to imagine what it would be like to be... well, dead. I do somewhat believe in the soul, and that there is an astral or spiritual being inside of us that makes us who we are, but I've never been a great philosopher.
There are just two problems with dying in my opinion: one is that maybe the afterlife is much, much worse than this one (that would be ironic), and the other is that if you're a ghost when you die; if your soul lingers, you would be able to see how much hurt and suffering you caused those that you left behind - and honestly, no one wants to see a little girl crying over their graves, so I'd like to pass on that.
But these are just speculations, so if anyone has any other views on what could happen to use after death, mail them to me, I'm interested.
Monday, March 17, 2008
50 days left...
I went to class today, don't ask me why, I guess I was just bored.
Somewhere around noon I accidentally met up with my "team" (see previous blog) and we had a short chat. They were less merry than before, trying to be all philosophical about life and the universe now, since they'd just had a philosophy class. Ironically one of them asked me if I believed in the soul, if I believed that after we're gone our spirit carries on. I told him I didn't know, but I wouldn't mind finding out. He didn't get it, of course. :-p
Remembering my previous vow to break the taboos regarding sex (I said that some blogs back), I actually made this half-assed attempt at steering the conversation towards more sexually oriented stuff, but it pretty much failed, until after the convo when one of the guys just came up to me and asked me if I wanted to have sex with him.
It was the most direct question I had ever heard, so I was pretty surprised to hear someone just ask it like that irl, but I guess the taboo breaking worked pretty well there.
I haven't given him an answer yet either.
Somewhere around noon I accidentally met up with my "team" (see previous blog) and we had a short chat. They were less merry than before, trying to be all philosophical about life and the universe now, since they'd just had a philosophy class. Ironically one of them asked me if I believed in the soul, if I believed that after we're gone our spirit carries on. I told him I didn't know, but I wouldn't mind finding out. He didn't get it, of course. :-p
Remembering my previous vow to break the taboos regarding sex (I said that some blogs back), I actually made this half-assed attempt at steering the conversation towards more sexually oriented stuff, but it pretty much failed, until after the convo when one of the guys just came up to me and asked me if I wanted to have sex with him.
It was the most direct question I had ever heard, so I was pretty surprised to hear someone just ask it like that irl, but I guess the taboo breaking worked pretty well there.
I haven't given him an answer yet either.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
51 days left...
And so passes another day in the boring and frankly quite suck-tastic life of me.
I met up with some people from uni today since we had to work on this task, which was kind of okay except for the fact that I didn't like these people at all; they were just too... cheerful, I guess, I mean there wasn't anything to be particularly cheerful about so it's just weird when people are so "positive" for no reason. Kinda made me a bit uncomfortable, cause like, life isn't positive at all, so why they were acting all giddy was completely beyond me.
My day ended on a not-so-bad note though when I got an e-mail from the - drumrolls - mysterious celebrity (well, mysterious for the readers anyhow). Nothing special, he didn't ask to meet up again or anything, just making conversation, which is nice.
I'll probably have to do more "teamwork" for that uni paper next week though. The horror.
I met up with some people from uni today since we had to work on this task, which was kind of okay except for the fact that I didn't like these people at all; they were just too... cheerful, I guess, I mean there wasn't anything to be particularly cheerful about so it's just weird when people are so "positive" for no reason. Kinda made me a bit uncomfortable, cause like, life isn't positive at all, so why they were acting all giddy was completely beyond me.
My day ended on a not-so-bad note though when I got an e-mail from the - drumrolls - mysterious celebrity (well, mysterious for the readers anyhow). Nothing special, he didn't ask to meet up again or anything, just making conversation, which is nice.
I'll probably have to do more "teamwork" for that uni paper next week though. The horror.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
53 days left...
For all the people that have mailed me about there not being a blog yesterday: no, I have not killed myself yet, sheesh. I mean seriously, what kind of a question is that? If I had, what good would it do to send me a mail about it? Dead people can't exactly reply.
Anyhow, the reason there was no blog yesterday is because I went out on that "date" with the celebrity-whose-name-I-won't-mention and well, it got pretty late. We started off having drinks in some fancy café (not exactly my style, but he was paying) around 6 and just talked for a few hours. He wanted to know what drove me to do this and to blog about it, and I just explained to him that I just felt like 'going out' this way and he fully respected that.
In the end we went bowling (his suggestion, he promised I'd like it. I actualld didn't, but I still had a good time) and afterwards he offered to try and boost me into a small movie carreer before my days are up, so that I may reach more people with the blog and experience a few last moments of glory.
I told him I was flattered, but it's hardly the kind of proposal I was waiting for. ^^
Anyhow, the reason there was no blog yesterday is because I went out on that "date" with the celebrity-whose-name-I-won't-mention and well, it got pretty late. We started off having drinks in some fancy café (not exactly my style, but he was paying) around 6 and just talked for a few hours. He wanted to know what drove me to do this and to blog about it, and I just explained to him that I just felt like 'going out' this way and he fully respected that.
In the end we went bowling (his suggestion, he promised I'd like it. I actualld didn't, but I still had a good time) and afterwards he offered to try and boost me into a small movie carreer before my days are up, so that I may reach more people with the blog and experience a few last moments of glory.
I told him I was flattered, but it's hardly the kind of proposal I was waiting for. ^^
Thursday, March 13, 2008
54 days left...
Dear diary, today I have absolutely nothing to write about.
Seriously, I am such a dork. My life ends in 54 days and I have absolutely nothing interesting to say, I mean, how boring of a person can you be? You'd think I would be inspired to make the best out of my last days or at least do something special or interesting with them, but no, here I am doing nothing. I'm lazy, I'm uninteresting and I'm a dork. All I'm doing is looking forward to that date with "the celebrity", not because I'm particularly interested in him but just because it's the only thing worth looking forward to on my calendar.
Lucky for me it's tomorrow, otherwise I don't know what the hell I'd be doing the next few days. I should really come up with simple, interesting stuff to do. So, if anyone has suggestions, mail away! And I promise I'll make an effort to make my life more interesting the coming weeks and months, so you guys wouldn't have to get bored to death by my rambling.
Seriously, I am such a dork. My life ends in 54 days and I have absolutely nothing interesting to say, I mean, how boring of a person can you be? You'd think I would be inspired to make the best out of my last days or at least do something special or interesting with them, but no, here I am doing nothing. I'm lazy, I'm uninteresting and I'm a dork. All I'm doing is looking forward to that date with "the celebrity", not because I'm particularly interested in him but just because it's the only thing worth looking forward to on my calendar.
Lucky for me it's tomorrow, otherwise I don't know what the hell I'd be doing the next few days. I should really come up with simple, interesting stuff to do. So, if anyone has suggestions, mail away! And I promise I'll make an effort to make my life more interesting the coming weeks and months, so you guys wouldn't have to get bored to death by my rambling.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
55 days left...
Okay, seriously, you guys wouldn't believe the e-mails I've been getting here. I hardly believe it myself.
First off I just don't get how many readers take the time to actually contact me, I would've thought most people were way more passive, but I stand corrected. But these last few days I've been getting even crazier mails, I have been contacted by television stations (as I said previously), celebrities (well, minor celebrities at least) merely out of their personal interest, journalists, and even a huge game developer!
The celebrity I'm talking about (I won't mention his name cause quite some people definitely know him) might be taking me out for drinks sometime soon cause he wanted to talk about my decision - not talk me out of it, but just out of curiosity - and he'll be in the neighborhood, so why not? ^^
I'll keep you guys posted!
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
56 days left...
My little sister is officially the most adorable creature on the face of the earth.
I spent like the whole day today helping her with her homework. It's been quite a while since I've spent this much time with her and I really forgot how much she meant to me. Well, I didn't completely forget of course, but still, she means more to me than I sometimes realise.
We made a whole game out of her homework assignment, like playing a (child's version of) poker to explain how certain things in maths work and stuff, I'm not going to go into detail cause I'd bore you all to death, but it was great fun.
Sure this isn't the most epic or adventurous way to spend one of your last days, but it meant more to me than anything I can think of right now.
Monday, March 10, 2008
57 days left...
I don't know why they chose to contact me now, but another big television station sent me a mail today (actually they sent it two days ago but it crashlanded in my junk folder and I only read it now).
They asked if I wanted to make an appearance on their TV show (for the sake of privacy I won't name the channel or the show) and be interviewed by 'a big show host whose name I won't mention' so that they could air this sometime soon before the other media picked it up. That last part was stressed quite a bit, as if I was going to be spammed by media anytime soon, but anyway they wanted to be the first just in case.
I've been thinking about doing it, but there is of course this huge risk of my family/friends finding out, so there's kind of no way for me to do it except for if they blur out my face and alter my voice like in those cheesy semi-reality shows.
Meh, we'll see, I'm still thinking about it.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
58 days left...
Okay, carving is definitely not my thing.
I tried it today (cutting on myself, that is) and it like totally sucks. I made like a small incision in forearm and it just started hurting and bleeding so I stopped and put a band-aid on it immediately. Who would ever want to do that? I mean, it's nowhere near as painful as life can be sometimes, granted, cause life can really suck, especially mine, but still.
I ate ice cream as compensation for the pain. Then I listened to an emo compilation that I had actually put together for my final moments but I just felt like listening to it already. I also bumped my ankle against the corner of my bed today; the ankle that was already sprained, so that sucked too.
Basically everything except for the music listening sucked today. Yay for me.
I tried it today (cutting on myself, that is) and it like totally sucks. I made like a small incision in forearm and it just started hurting and bleeding so I stopped and put a band-aid on it immediately. Who would ever want to do that? I mean, it's nowhere near as painful as life can be sometimes, granted, cause life can really suck, especially mine, but still.
I ate ice cream as compensation for the pain. Then I listened to an emo compilation that I had actually put together for my final moments but I just felt like listening to it already. I also bumped my ankle against the corner of my bed today; the ankle that was already sprained, so that sucked too.
Basically everything except for the music listening sucked today. Yay for me.
59 days left...
Today I cried for no reason.
Don't expect me to explain it in this blog, for I really can't. I was just taking a stroll through the park, thinking of things to add to my list of what I should do before I died, when I suddenly started crying. As I mentioned before I have absolutely no fear of dying and am more than determined to end my life in 58 days, so I don't understand why exactly I started crying, but all I can say was that it felt great.
So I just sat there on a bench, weeping, and this guy came to sit next to me all of a sudden asking me what was wrong. I kind of ignored him at first and when he persisted I just said I didn't know him so I didn't get why he cared, but eventually we started having a real conversation and I told him that I couldn't really say why I was crying, only that it felt good.
He said that it was the body's way of dealing with life. He said that in order to feel good you must feel bad, and so we cry to laugh again. There were like 50-something scars on his arm that he showed me, and he told me that he regularly carved on himself because he liked the pain, and that it was his way of crying.
It piqued my interest.
Don't expect me to explain it in this blog, for I really can't. I was just taking a stroll through the park, thinking of things to add to my list of what I should do before I died, when I suddenly started crying. As I mentioned before I have absolutely no fear of dying and am more than determined to end my life in 58 days, so I don't understand why exactly I started crying, but all I can say was that it felt great.
So I just sat there on a bench, weeping, and this guy came to sit next to me all of a sudden asking me what was wrong. I kind of ignored him at first and when he persisted I just said I didn't know him so I didn't get why he cared, but eventually we started having a real conversation and I told him that I couldn't really say why I was crying, only that it felt good.
He said that it was the body's way of dealing with life. He said that in order to feel good you must feel bad, and so we cry to laugh again. There were like 50-something scars on his arm that he showed me, and he told me that he regularly carved on himself because he liked the pain, and that it was his way of crying.
It piqued my interest.
Friday, March 7, 2008
60 days left...
So I've been getting quite some response to the question in my previous blog.
First off let me again clarify that my question was really just posed out of curiosity, and that regardless of the answers I will still commit suicide when my blogging days are up. With that out of the way, I must say that I find it shocking (well, not really, but still surprising) how many e-mails I got that were oriented towards sex even in the light of my question.
Some people sent like a two page mail (and yes, even though I may not always reply I do read all of my mails entirely) about how me having sex with them would change my mind. It's strange how when things get more anonymous (i.e. on the internet in general) sex becomes such a common subject and people tend to openly admit to craving it in an almost animalistic manner; while in real life it's a complete taboo to mention it in most social situations.
This got me thinking and so I decided to give myself one last mission: to break the sexual taboo. I'm not sure yet how I'll do it, or even where or on what kind of scale; like just talking to my friends or blogging about my sex life maybe, but in any case it intrigues me and I'll be putting at least some of my focus on it before I turn the lights off for good. ^^
First off let me again clarify that my question was really just posed out of curiosity, and that regardless of the answers I will still commit suicide when my blogging days are up. With that out of the way, I must say that I find it shocking (well, not really, but still surprising) how many e-mails I got that were oriented towards sex even in the light of my question.
Some people sent like a two page mail (and yes, even though I may not always reply I do read all of my mails entirely) about how me having sex with them would change my mind. It's strange how when things get more anonymous (i.e. on the internet in general) sex becomes such a common subject and people tend to openly admit to craving it in an almost animalistic manner; while in real life it's a complete taboo to mention it in most social situations.
This got me thinking and so I decided to give myself one last mission: to break the sexual taboo. I'm not sure yet how I'll do it, or even where or on what kind of scale; like just talking to my friends or blogging about my sex life maybe, but in any case it intrigues me and I'll be putting at least some of my focus on it before I turn the lights off for good. ^^
Thursday, March 6, 2008
61 days left...
Okay, I feel I owe a lot of readers an apology.
Many of you have sent me mails to tell me that I should cherish my life, that I shouldn't kill myself, that there's so much still to live for etc. etc. - and I haven't replied to most of them, so I hereby thank you all for your futile efforts to save a soul that's already long lost, and I apologize for neglecting you.
On that note though, I'd like to ask you all a serious question. All clichés aside, can anyone of you give me one valid (and my valid I mean "really good") reason to live? I dare you, mail me one reason that could potentially convince me, and I don't want to hear corny banter like "For your little sister," and sorts, cause that's just lame. My sister may be only a child, but just because of that she won't really mind much when I'm gone; she'll get over it as soon as she gets a new box of Lego. :p
And don't get me wrong, this question is merely out of curiosity, even if I get a hundred "good" reasons to stay alive, I will kill myself - my determination is unwavering and my resolve not negotiable. ;)
P.S.: I've also gotten a lot of mails from people asking if they could bang me one last time before I kill myself. Let's just say it may come to that; I've been playing with the idea of picking candidate(s) and it's possible that there may be some lucky readers before this is over (yeah, I know, that totally sounded like a cheap commercial, but still.)
Many of you have sent me mails to tell me that I should cherish my life, that I shouldn't kill myself, that there's so much still to live for etc. etc. - and I haven't replied to most of them, so I hereby thank you all for your futile efforts to save a soul that's already long lost, and I apologize for neglecting you.
On that note though, I'd like to ask you all a serious question. All clichés aside, can anyone of you give me one valid (and my valid I mean "really good") reason to live? I dare you, mail me one reason that could potentially convince me, and I don't want to hear corny banter like "For your little sister," and sorts, cause that's just lame. My sister may be only a child, but just because of that she won't really mind much when I'm gone; she'll get over it as soon as she gets a new box of Lego. :p
And don't get me wrong, this question is merely out of curiosity, even if I get a hundred "good" reasons to stay alive, I will kill myself - my determination is unwavering and my resolve not negotiable. ;)
P.S.: I've also gotten a lot of mails from people asking if they could bang me one last time before I kill myself. Let's just say it may come to that; I've been playing with the idea of picking candidate(s) and it's possible that there may be some lucky readers before this is over (yeah, I know, that totally sounded like a cheap commercial, but still.)
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
62 days left...
Okay, seeing as though I still have two months ahead of me and my mother hasn't found out about my plans, I can now rest asured and put together a list of things I want to do before I die, at my leasure.
Hmm, let's see, what are the things I definitely still want to do?
1) Have sex. Quite a few times . And experiment more with it. Why not?
2) Be an internet star (well on my way there. :p)
3) Throw eggs at a school bully's house (haven't seen him in 12 years, but still).
4) Go to the zoo. As weird as it may sound I have only been there once and I was too young to remember anything of it, so yeah.
5) Spend quality time with all my best friends.
6) Act in a hardcore porn movie.
I'm going to be updating this list regularly, this is just off the top of my head.
And yeah, the last one was a joke.
Sorry! ^^
Hmm, let's see, what are the things I definitely still want to do?
1) Have sex. Quite a few times . And experiment more with it. Why not?
2) Be an internet star (well on my way there. :p)
3) Throw eggs at a school bully's house (haven't seen him in 12 years, but still).
4) Go to the zoo. As weird as it may sound I have only been there once and I was too young to remember anything of it, so yeah.
5) Spend quality time with all my best friends.
6) Act in a hardcore porn movie.
I'm going to be updating this list regularly, this is just off the top of my head.
And yeah, the last one was a joke.
Sorry! ^^
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
63 days left...
Doing things for the truly last time is the weirdest sensation ever.
One of my best friends is a guy I only see once every year or so. We really have a very unique bond, to the point that to call us "soulmates" would just sound too shallow to describe it adequately. In any case he came over today by complete surprise (his trademark) and wanted to take me out. Luck would of course have it that my ankle was still the size of a basketball and more sore than ever, so I sadly declined. Stubborn as he is, he left only to come back with a wheelchair. I asked him where he got it from and he said that he had temporarily borrowed it from a nearby hospital (the thieving scumbag :p) and then he kind of forced me to sit in it.
He rode it out of the house and just walked me around town all day and we talked. He eventually ended up running through the busy streets, pushing the wheelchair at like 100mph yelling "Honk! Honk!" and pretending he was going to let me slide off stairs etc. We really had a blast and we had some pretty deep conversations too. At one point I even thought about telling him about the suicide, but I couldn't do that to him. I only hope he reads this after I'm gone, so that he knows how I experienced that last ever day with him.
Goodbye, dear friend.
A few months from now my heart will have stopped, but I'm afraid it won't be as broken as yours.
I'm sorry.
One of my best friends is a guy I only see once every year or so. We really have a very unique bond, to the point that to call us "soulmates" would just sound too shallow to describe it adequately. In any case he came over today by complete surprise (his trademark) and wanted to take me out. Luck would of course have it that my ankle was still the size of a basketball and more sore than ever, so I sadly declined. Stubborn as he is, he left only to come back with a wheelchair. I asked him where he got it from and he said that he had temporarily borrowed it from a nearby hospital (the thieving scumbag :p) and then he kind of forced me to sit in it.
He rode it out of the house and just walked me around town all day and we talked. He eventually ended up running through the busy streets, pushing the wheelchair at like 100mph yelling "Honk! Honk!" and pretending he was going to let me slide off stairs etc. We really had a blast and we had some pretty deep conversations too. At one point I even thought about telling him about the suicide, but I couldn't do that to him. I only hope he reads this after I'm gone, so that he knows how I experienced that last ever day with him.
Goodbye, dear friend.
A few months from now my heart will have stopped, but I'm afraid it won't be as broken as yours.
I'm sorry.
Monday, March 3, 2008
64 days left
So I spoke to my mother today.
She first called me on the phone around 3:40pm and said we had to talk. At that moment I just already knew she had read my note. Nervous and scared as I was after hanging up the phone, I went into the bathroom and I sat there for like twenty minutes, ready to kill myself. And all along doubt kept playing in my head. I wasn't afraid to die, and I could've taken my own life without flinching, but I just kept thinking about the things I still wanted to do in the two months before my death, and about the possibility that maybe my mother wanted to talk about something else. That maybe she hadn't read my letter.
Because of that, and only because of that, I postponed my suicide and decided to wait for her and find out. Around 5pm she knocked on my door. We sat down and had this really awkward semi-casual conversation about random stuff, until eventually she brought up that I should really empty my trouser pockets next time I throw them in the laundry. My face turned beet-red and I practically almost chocked on my coffee. I was seriously ready to run out the room when she continued that she found an inky ball of soaked paper in the laundry machine. I don't think I have ever been so relieved.
She had never had the chance to read what was on the note.
I think I spent the next full two minutes laughing, and she never understood why.
I guess in 64 days she will.
I'm sorry mum.
She first called me on the phone around 3:40pm and said we had to talk. At that moment I just already knew she had read my note. Nervous and scared as I was after hanging up the phone, I went into the bathroom and I sat there for like twenty minutes, ready to kill myself. And all along doubt kept playing in my head. I wasn't afraid to die, and I could've taken my own life without flinching, but I just kept thinking about the things I still wanted to do in the two months before my death, and about the possibility that maybe my mother wanted to talk about something else. That maybe she hadn't read my letter.
Because of that, and only because of that, I postponed my suicide and decided to wait for her and find out. Around 5pm she knocked on my door. We sat down and had this really awkward semi-casual conversation about random stuff, until eventually she brought up that I should really empty my trouser pockets next time I throw them in the laundry. My face turned beet-red and I practically almost chocked on my coffee. I was seriously ready to run out the room when she continued that she found an inky ball of soaked paper in the laundry machine. I don't think I have ever been so relieved.
She had never had the chance to read what was on the note.
I think I spent the next full two minutes laughing, and she never understood why.
I guess in 64 days she will.
I'm sorry mum.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
65 days left...
This is just too awkward.
I woke up today and found that my dirty laundry was missing. So either some drunken criminal broke into my apartment and stole it, or - and this is the slightly more likely scenario - my mother picked it up while I was still sleeping (she has a key).
There was no note, nothing, she also didn't wake me, she just came in to take the laundry and left, which is something she has never done before. I'm getting fairly sure now that she read my note now, and that today she wanted to check on me before she took further action to stop me from doing it - whatever those actions may be.
I've finished writing all my suicide letters.
Right now I'm going to work on a plan of how to kill myself, and exactly where and when. Suggestions are welcome, if you can stomach being an accomplice to the inevitable.
I woke up today and found that my dirty laundry was missing. So either some drunken criminal broke into my apartment and stole it, or - and this is the slightly more likely scenario - my mother picked it up while I was still sleeping (she has a key).
There was no note, nothing, she also didn't wake me, she just came in to take the laundry and left, which is something she has never done before. I'm getting fairly sure now that she read my note now, and that today she wanted to check on me before she took further action to stop me from doing it - whatever those actions may be.
I've finished writing all my suicide letters.
Right now I'm going to work on a plan of how to kill myself, and exactly where and when. Suggestions are welcome, if you can stomach being an accomplice to the inevitable.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
66 days left...
This is really killing me (again, pun not intended).
I haven't seen my mother all day, so I have no idea if she found my premature suicide letter or not. For all I know she could be reporting me to some psychiatric institution as I'm writing this, or she could've not even found it at all and the letter might by now be a squishy ball of pulp floating around in the washing machine. Somehow I don't really think it's the latter though.
Seriously, as I mentioned before, if she did find it and she's going to try and take steps to prevent my suicide, I'm going to have to end my life sooner than expected, which I am dead serious about (my unintentional puns are the worst). Everyone who has been reading my blog for a while now knows that I'm for real when I say I'm going to kill myself, and the only thing that's keeping me alive for another 66 days is this blog and my commitment to its readers, but if things turn out the way they think I will, I will actually be taking my life one of these days already.
It's a strange and stressing thought that my life may already be over soon, and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I'm not even sure I'm ready for the end yet but there's just no turning back now. I've been writing definite suicide letters to my parents and all of my friends all night just in case, cause if I have to leave this world soon, I'd rather have at least partially prepared for it.
*Heavy sigh.*
To be completely honest, I'm realling getting scared now. Cause I really hadn't forseen this. But I've never been one to back down from my plans.
And I'm not going to start now.
I haven't seen my mother all day, so I have no idea if she found my premature suicide letter or not. For all I know she could be reporting me to some psychiatric institution as I'm writing this, or she could've not even found it at all and the letter might by now be a squishy ball of pulp floating around in the washing machine. Somehow I don't really think it's the latter though.
Seriously, as I mentioned before, if she did find it and she's going to try and take steps to prevent my suicide, I'm going to have to end my life sooner than expected, which I am dead serious about (my unintentional puns are the worst). Everyone who has been reading my blog for a while now knows that I'm for real when I say I'm going to kill myself, and the only thing that's keeping me alive for another 66 days is this blog and my commitment to its readers, but if things turn out the way they think I will, I will actually be taking my life one of these days already.
It's a strange and stressing thought that my life may already be over soon, and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I'm not even sure I'm ready for the end yet but there's just no turning back now. I've been writing definite suicide letters to my parents and all of my friends all night just in case, cause if I have to leave this world soon, I'd rather have at least partially prepared for it.
*Heavy sigh.*
To be completely honest, I'm realling getting scared now. Cause I really hadn't forseen this. But I've never been one to back down from my plans.
And I'm not going to start now.
Friday, February 29, 2008
67 days left...
I am an idiot.
My mother came to get some of my laundry today since I sprained my ankle and can't really walk properly, so I just gave her the clothes I had worn the week before. Then I suddenly realized (like two hours too late) that I had left my suicide note - the one I included in yesterday's blog, in my jeans.
So the last few hours I've just been sitting here in my room wondering if she found it, which she probably did, and if so; wondering how she reacted to it. I mean seriously, what could be worse for a suicidal person than to have the people around her uncover her plans before they're executed (pun not intended)? This is even worse than a failed suicide attempt! It's a suicide attempt failed in such a degree that it hasn't even happened yet! I am such an idiot.
I feel obliged to tell my readers that because of this I have taken serious measures. Supposing that my mother found out, if she comes to talk to me about it and takes it seriously - not thinking it was some kind of stupid joke, I will be killing myself that same day. I simply can't risk her having me put in some institution where they'll "keep me from harming myself".
So if this is the last day I write this blog, you know why.
Thanks for reading, all!
Tania
My mother came to get some of my laundry today since I sprained my ankle and can't really walk properly, so I just gave her the clothes I had worn the week before. Then I suddenly realized (like two hours too late) that I had left my suicide note - the one I included in yesterday's blog, in my jeans.
So the last few hours I've just been sitting here in my room wondering if she found it, which she probably did, and if so; wondering how she reacted to it. I mean seriously, what could be worse for a suicidal person than to have the people around her uncover her plans before they're executed (pun not intended)? This is even worse than a failed suicide attempt! It's a suicide attempt failed in such a degree that it hasn't even happened yet! I am such an idiot.
I feel obliged to tell my readers that because of this I have taken serious measures. Supposing that my mother found out, if she comes to talk to me about it and takes it seriously - not thinking it was some kind of stupid joke, I will be killing myself that same day. I simply can't risk her having me put in some institution where they'll "keep me from harming myself".
So if this is the last day I write this blog, you know why.
Thanks for reading, all!
Tania
Thursday, February 28, 2008
68 days left
Seeing as how I'm going to be spending some time in bed with my foot on a pile of pillows, I decided I might as well spend this otherwise wasted time doing something useful. So I already started writing my suicide letters.
Here's one I just wrote for my mother just now (go easy on me, it's a rough draft):
"Dear mum
I left you three voicemails today and you still didn't answer. I am tired of being ignored by you so I decided to kill myself.
Your daughter,
Tania."
And there I'll be, dead besides it. I know many people won't understand this, but my mother has the greatest (and I mean the greatest) sense of humor; and if she turns the letter over it will say:
"Sorry, that was my final joke to you, cause I didn't want to leave with a tear, but with a smile. Note that I didn't kill myself because of you, of course, so no frowns!
Love
Tania"
*Sigh*
I'm still working on it though.
Here's one I just wrote for my mother just now (go easy on me, it's a rough draft):
"Dear mum
I left you three voicemails today and you still didn't answer. I am tired of being ignored by you so I decided to kill myself.
Your daughter,
Tania."
And there I'll be, dead besides it. I know many people won't understand this, but my mother has the greatest (and I mean the greatest) sense of humor; and if she turns the letter over it will say:
"Sorry, that was my final joke to you, cause I didn't want to leave with a tear, but with a smile. Note that I didn't kill myself because of you, of course, so no frowns!
Love
Tania"
*Sigh*
I'm still working on it though.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
69 days left...
I sprained my ankle pretty bad today.
Now, for the record, I'm not the type to go crying when bad things happen, but truth be told I've been crying my eyes out for the last few hours. Not so much because of the physical pain of the injury though, cause even though it's really severe it's nothing compaired to the emotional and mental suffering this incident has brought me.
I am now facing the prospect of having to sit at home and do nothing for days, maybe weeks, that's right, weeks; that's how bad I may have sprained my ankle. And every time I walk I have to use crutches now. Crutches! And now I also have to have X-rays taken of my foot to make sure nothing's broken. I think I probably broke my entire foot, cause that's just logical, it's Murphy's Law; which is kind of the only law my life seems to abide by religiously.
God, I wish I was dead already.
Sadly enough I made a promise to you readers and due to it I will be alive for 71 more days, crutches or no crutches. So curse you all, cause my life just started sucking a whole lot more.
Everything just sucks.
Now, for the record, I'm not the type to go crying when bad things happen, but truth be told I've been crying my eyes out for the last few hours. Not so much because of the physical pain of the injury though, cause even though it's really severe it's nothing compaired to the emotional and mental suffering this incident has brought me.
I am now facing the prospect of having to sit at home and do nothing for days, maybe weeks, that's right, weeks; that's how bad I may have sprained my ankle. And every time I walk I have to use crutches now. Crutches! And now I also have to have X-rays taken of my foot to make sure nothing's broken. I think I probably broke my entire foot, cause that's just logical, it's Murphy's Law; which is kind of the only law my life seems to abide by religiously.
God, I wish I was dead already.
Sadly enough I made a promise to you readers and due to it I will be alive for 71 more days, crutches or no crutches. So curse you all, cause my life just started sucking a whole lot more.
Everything just sucks.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
70 days left...
Today I changed my mind.
All of you who have been reading my blog for a while now know that I have always been of the opinion that people didn't really matter, we're not really special, suicide doesn't really mean anything, etc. etc. But I had a revelation today, and due to it I changed my mind.
I do matter. I am special. I am a 'beautiful and unique snowflake'! And I feel great about it!
Seriously, the more I think about it the more I know that I do contribute to this world, that I do have something to offer and that I will be thoroughly missed if I would actually kill myself. I mean, just to sum up a few of my qualities: I take care of my little sister, I write prose and poetry, I draw, I sing, I've acted in amateur feature films, and I've even directed one of my own - which I never really finished but still. I'm adding a clip to this blog from the movie I directed, to showcase my talents, lest I be called a liar. :p
So yeah, I am a multi-talented and valuable individual. I no longer feel worthless, I no longer feel empty.
Don't get my wrong though, I'm still going to kill myself, cause life still sucks. I just feel better about it knowing that I'll be missed. :)
All of you who have been reading my blog for a while now know that I have always been of the opinion that people didn't really matter, we're not really special, suicide doesn't really mean anything, etc. etc. But I had a revelation today, and due to it I changed my mind.
I do matter. I am special. I am a 'beautiful and unique snowflake'! And I feel great about it!
Seriously, the more I think about it the more I know that I do contribute to this world, that I do have something to offer and that I will be thoroughly missed if I would actually kill myself. I mean, just to sum up a few of my qualities: I take care of my little sister, I write prose and poetry, I draw, I sing, I've acted in amateur feature films, and I've even directed one of my own - which I never really finished but still. I'm adding a clip to this blog from the movie I directed, to showcase my talents, lest I be called a liar. :p
So yeah, I am a multi-talented and valuable individual. I no longer feel worthless, I no longer feel empty.
Don't get my wrong though, I'm still going to kill myself, cause life still sucks. I just feel better about it knowing that I'll be missed. :)
Monday, February 25, 2008
71 days left...
You know how it's strange that when you think about a certain something long and hard enough, you start seeing clues and references to it everywhere? I have the exact same thing with the whole suicide deal. I swear that every single day I see or hear someone speaking out against suicide or referring to it as this unspeakable act of heresy.
Today I walked by the train tracks where a 14 year old kid had committed suicide exactly one year ago. There were flowers and poems scattered on the floor, some swept away by the wind, some trampled by other people. There was a church's flyer there too, which stated plain and simple that Eric (the boy) would not be allowed to enter the gates of heaven due to his blasphemous act.
Maybe I'll just kill myself with my little sister's crayons when I finally do it, make it look like she killed me; then I'll get to go to heaven and she'll take the fall. Punked! :p
Seriously though, as I was saying, if there is a God - which personally I highly doubt - he is obviously trying to rub it in, but I'll be glad to give him the finger in 72 days. Heaven is overrated anyways, and hell can't possibly be 'much' worse than my life.
Today I walked by the train tracks where a 14 year old kid had committed suicide exactly one year ago. There were flowers and poems scattered on the floor, some swept away by the wind, some trampled by other people. There was a church's flyer there too, which stated plain and simple that Eric (the boy) would not be allowed to enter the gates of heaven due to his blasphemous act.
Maybe I'll just kill myself with my little sister's crayons when I finally do it, make it look like she killed me; then I'll get to go to heaven and she'll take the fall. Punked! :p
Seriously though, as I was saying, if there is a God - which personally I highly doubt - he is obviously trying to rub it in, but I'll be glad to give him the finger in 72 days. Heaven is overrated anyways, and hell can't possibly be 'much' worse than my life.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
72 days left...
Sometimes I wonder how I'm going to keep my readers entertained for so many days before I actually take the plunge. I mean, it's not like something interesting happens every day here and most of my days actually suck, so that's kind of an inspiration killer.
But then again, maybe it's better you guys get bored of my slow paced and utterly boring trip towards the grave, cause if no one reads my blog anymore, maybe I can just get it over with already. That's right, you guys are what's keeping me alive for another 72 days, so pat yourselves on the back for being philanthropic.
In any case, Brad send me flowers today. How cliché is that, right? I told him I didn't want any flowers right now, but that if he really wanted to give me some, he should wait 72 days, and then he could bring me fresh ones every week, lol. He didn't really get it of course.
Call me cruel but I love cracking jokes like that. Like the other day my philosophy professor told me that since I had skipped half of his classes already he wasn't going to allow me to take my final exam. I replied that if he didn't change his mind by May, I would kill myself because of it.
Which is totally funny cause now he'll think it's his fault when I kill myself.
Serves him right.
But then again, maybe it's better you guys get bored of my slow paced and utterly boring trip towards the grave, cause if no one reads my blog anymore, maybe I can just get it over with already. That's right, you guys are what's keeping me alive for another 72 days, so pat yourselves on the back for being philanthropic.
In any case, Brad send me flowers today. How cliché is that, right? I told him I didn't want any flowers right now, but that if he really wanted to give me some, he should wait 72 days, and then he could bring me fresh ones every week, lol. He didn't really get it of course.
Call me cruel but I love cracking jokes like that. Like the other day my philosophy professor told me that since I had skipped half of his classes already he wasn't going to allow me to take my final exam. I replied that if he didn't change his mind by May, I would kill myself because of it.
Which is totally funny cause now he'll think it's his fault when I kill myself.
Serves him right.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
73 days left...
Another day in the life of a walking dead girl. *Ponders what to write.*
Today was the day of ironies, actually. Brad e-mailed me again this morning. He had this very lengthy way of saying that he felt our time together on Valentine's Day was very special, and how he felt we really connected. He eventually concluded (to make a long story short) that he was in love with me.
Can you say emo?
Seriously though, I just replied that I'm too busy to go out now but that I'll probably have time in 74 days, when my work will be over. Tee-hee, he's got a surprise coming there.
Besides that, the second irony is that my little sister got a cast today, apparently she broke her wrist during her school trip, she's been crying all day but luckily she's asleep now. We share a room together and I kind of look after her when I'm not too busy blogging or writing poetry. Anyway, the irony of this is that her cast is coming off the week after I kill myself, and she asked me today to promise that we'd go play mini-golf then (she loves to play that game).
I promised her.
But I'm going to have to break that promise.
So, if you read this after I'm gone, Sarah, you go and have a good game of mini-golf without me, and remember to swing from the shoulder.
Today was the day of ironies, actually. Brad e-mailed me again this morning. He had this very lengthy way of saying that he felt our time together on Valentine's Day was very special, and how he felt we really connected. He eventually concluded (to make a long story short) that he was in love with me.
Can you say emo?
Seriously though, I just replied that I'm too busy to go out now but that I'll probably have time in 74 days, when my work will be over. Tee-hee, he's got a surprise coming there.
Besides that, the second irony is that my little sister got a cast today, apparently she broke her wrist during her school trip, she's been crying all day but luckily she's asleep now. We share a room together and I kind of look after her when I'm not too busy blogging or writing poetry. Anyway, the irony of this is that her cast is coming off the week after I kill myself, and she asked me today to promise that we'd go play mini-golf then (she loves to play that game).
I promised her.
But I'm going to have to break that promise.
So, if you read this after I'm gone, Sarah, you go and have a good game of mini-golf without me, and remember to swing from the shoulder.
Friday, February 22, 2008
I went to see Sweeney Todd today with a couple of close friends.
It was a pretty good movie, all in all, and I can't help but love Depp's character in it. The only downside is that I don't have anything else to watch in theaters now, since everything else kind of sucks. The only other movie I was looking forward to was The Dark Knight, the absolutely orgasm-tacular looking sequal to Batman Begins (even if just because I'm a complete fangirl of The Joker.)
Needless to say it broke my heart when I found out that the movie's release date was July 18, which is quite some time after I will be dead and buried. Stubborn as I am, I will for nothing or no one change my date of death, so I decided to change the date of the movie's release. I have spent my day today trying to contact Warner Bros. per e-mail and telephone, I've tried contacting the agents of Christopher Nolan (director and producer), Emma Thomas (producer) and even Aaron Eeckhart (who plays Harvey in the movie) to beg for an earlier release date.
Everyone I got on the phone or reached per e-mail I explained my story to, told them that I was going to end myself in 74 days and that seeing that even some convicted criminals get a last wish before their execution, I thought it only fair that they would change their release date for me to still be able to watch the movie; since I'd really, really like to see it before I died.
Two of the people I got through to thought it was a joke, the other threatened to call the police and the last just very politely declined. But this is far from over. I just got a partial credits list of TDK from a journalist, it's a list of everyone who is involved with the production and distribution of the movie; and I'm going to start contacting them all tomorrow.
The Dark Knight will be released before my death, I will see to that!
July 18? Over my dead body.
It was a pretty good movie, all in all, and I can't help but love Depp's character in it. The only downside is that I don't have anything else to watch in theaters now, since everything else kind of sucks. The only other movie I was looking forward to was The Dark Knight, the absolutely orgasm-tacular looking sequal to Batman Begins (even if just because I'm a complete fangirl of The Joker.)
Needless to say it broke my heart when I found out that the movie's release date was July 18, which is quite some time after I will be dead and buried. Stubborn as I am, I will for nothing or no one change my date of death, so I decided to change the date of the movie's release. I have spent my day today trying to contact Warner Bros. per e-mail and telephone, I've tried contacting the agents of Christopher Nolan (director and producer), Emma Thomas (producer) and even Aaron Eeckhart (who plays Harvey in the movie) to beg for an earlier release date.
Everyone I got on the phone or reached per e-mail I explained my story to, told them that I was going to end myself in 74 days and that seeing that even some convicted criminals get a last wish before their execution, I thought it only fair that they would change their release date for me to still be able to watch the movie; since I'd really, really like to see it before I died.
Two of the people I got through to thought it was a joke, the other threatened to call the police and the last just very politely declined. But this is far from over. I just got a partial credits list of TDK from a journalist, it's a list of everyone who is involved with the production and distribution of the movie; and I'm going to start contacting them all tomorrow.
The Dark Knight will be released before my death, I will see to that!
July 18? Over my dead body.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
75 days left...
Here's a short piece of prose about my death, so bear with me, I personally think it's great but I can hardly judge my own work. I just love writing about it, like I can already experience being dead and seeing everyone sad, it feels purifying somehow.
"Daylight pines away in the night's gentle embrace.
The horizon blazes against the night sky like a funereal pendant as the sun slowly drowns in darkness. In this twilight one can barely make out the mourning crowd, shrouded in their fancy blacks, tearstained faces burried in their hands. A chanting of sobs ripples through the otherwise silent air. My mother and father are kneeling in front of the open casket, their strength having flowed out of them alongside their tears. Everyone who has ever known me is gathered here today, and no one is spared the sorrow. The food and drinks are served as per custom, but not touched. My old teachers, particularly the ones who've always been against me as a student, are now turned away now so no one would see them cry; and the feeling that this is what they deserve uncoils like nausea in the pit of their stomach. My friends welcome their depressions, and everyone knows that this is the blackest of days. And that at least for now, God has forsaken them."
I wrote this short piece of prose about my funeral. I was thinking of including it in my will for them to perhaps read aloud when it actually takes place. The most sane thing would actually be to have my little sister do the reading, since she's too young to be very traumatized by it all, so she'll have the least problems with it. Either way I guess it's my way of leaving my last piece of art behind as well as my vision and wishes for the funeral itself, but I'm not entirely sure if they'll appreciate it or not; my parents have never really taken an interest in my writings.
I do hope to have a grand funeral either way though, and I think I will have one.
"Daylight pines away in the night's gentle embrace.
The horizon blazes against the night sky like a funereal pendant as the sun slowly drowns in darkness. In this twilight one can barely make out the mourning crowd, shrouded in their fancy blacks, tearstained faces burried in their hands. A chanting of sobs ripples through the otherwise silent air. My mother and father are kneeling in front of the open casket, their strength having flowed out of them alongside their tears. Everyone who has ever known me is gathered here today, and no one is spared the sorrow. The food and drinks are served as per custom, but not touched. My old teachers, particularly the ones who've always been against me as a student, are now turned away now so no one would see them cry; and the feeling that this is what they deserve uncoils like nausea in the pit of their stomach. My friends welcome their depressions, and everyone knows that this is the blackest of days. And that at least for now, God has forsaken them."
I wrote this short piece of prose about my funeral. I was thinking of including it in my will for them to perhaps read aloud when it actually takes place. The most sane thing would actually be to have my little sister do the reading, since she's too young to be very traumatized by it all, so she'll have the least problems with it. Either way I guess it's my way of leaving my last piece of art behind as well as my vision and wishes for the funeral itself, but I'm not entirely sure if they'll appreciate it or not; my parents have never really taken an interest in my writings.
I do hope to have a grand funeral either way though, and I think I will have one.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
76 days left...
You know that feeling you sometimes have when it seems that no one understands you?
That's the feeling I have today. It's the feeling I had yesterday, and it's the feeling I'll have tomorrow and every day thereafter until the awaited moment of my grand exit. No one understands me. Period.
With this statement goes, of course, an anecdote. I actually tried to take up an old hobby today, namely photography. I dusted off my old camera, injected it with a clean cardridge and went biking through our neighbourhood's Chinatown to take some pictures. I spent two hours roaming around snapping views and arty compositions (only to find out an hour later that all my pictures sucked, which was a huge disappointment) and then decided I wanted to have some people portraits, so I started asking around for volunteers.
Now not only were the people I asked uninterested in me, they also pretended not even to speak English; they'd just give me that toothpaste smile of theirs and nod their head whatever I said. Eventually I just told them I was going to kill myself, flat-out, and none of them so much as had the decency to respond with anything but "No speki Englesh."
The world truly doesn't care. The world truly doesn't understand.
76 Days to go... seems like an eternity.
That's the feeling I have today. It's the feeling I had yesterday, and it's the feeling I'll have tomorrow and every day thereafter until the awaited moment of my grand exit. No one understands me. Period.
With this statement goes, of course, an anecdote. I actually tried to take up an old hobby today, namely photography. I dusted off my old camera, injected it with a clean cardridge and went biking through our neighbourhood's Chinatown to take some pictures. I spent two hours roaming around snapping views and arty compositions (only to find out an hour later that all my pictures sucked, which was a huge disappointment) and then decided I wanted to have some people portraits, so I started asking around for volunteers.
Now not only were the people I asked uninterested in me, they also pretended not even to speak English; they'd just give me that toothpaste smile of theirs and nod their head whatever I said. Eventually I just told them I was going to kill myself, flat-out, and none of them so much as had the decency to respond with anything but "No speki Englesh."
The world truly doesn't care. The world truly doesn't understand.
76 Days to go... seems like an eternity.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
77 Days Left...
Dear diary. Today sucked. The end.
If there weren't this many people reading my blog, that's where today's chapter would end; but since I suppose I can't disappoint my readers I'll force myself to write a little more. Basically, I had one of those days on which everything seems to work against you. It rained, my internet access got cut off for hours, I broke a nail, ran out of coffee and missed my bus (all in one day), so forgive me for wanting to curl up in a corner and sob, I think I have good reason to.
Seriously, I'm not emo, but on days like these it does feel good to play some Arcade Fire on maximum volume and coil yourself into a ball under your sheets and just sob it all away. I don't care what people say, but crying is very relieving in my opinion. It's almost like yoga, only more expressive, which means it's just better per definition.
Anyhow, it's been decided that I will be wearing "dress" number 5 on the day of my suicide. Ironically it's the lingerie my mother wore on her wedding day, she passed it on to me because she thought it was special I guess. Wonder how she'll react if she'll find me dead in it in 78 days. Maybe she'll feel just a shred of the discontent I'm experiencing now, in fact I hope she does, then at least someone will understand me.
If there weren't this many people reading my blog, that's where today's chapter would end; but since I suppose I can't disappoint my readers I'll force myself to write a little more. Basically, I had one of those days on which everything seems to work against you. It rained, my internet access got cut off for hours, I broke a nail, ran out of coffee and missed my bus (all in one day), so forgive me for wanting to curl up in a corner and sob, I think I have good reason to.
Seriously, I'm not emo, but on days like these it does feel good to play some Arcade Fire on maximum volume and coil yourself into a ball under your sheets and just sob it all away. I don't care what people say, but crying is very relieving in my opinion. It's almost like yoga, only more expressive, which means it's just better per definition.
Anyhow, it's been decided that I will be wearing "dress" number 5 on the day of my suicide. Ironically it's the lingerie my mother wore on her wedding day, she passed it on to me because she thought it was special I guess. Wonder how she'll react if she'll find me dead in it in 78 days. Maybe she'll feel just a shred of the discontent I'm experiencing now, in fact I hope she does, then at least someone will understand me.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Okay, the votes are in and the polls are closed! Soon I'll be posting a video revealing which dress I chose, so stay tuned voters.
Anyway, I know I still have 78 days to go, but I've recently been thinking more and more about how I'm going to commit the deed. The most important thing to me is that it doesn't hurt. If I go out, I would like to go out with what I would call a "quiet bang" (quiet for me, though a 'bang' for my family and friends). Yesterday I actually found myself talking about suicide with my little sister, we had just seen Dead Man Walking and we were discussing what would be the most painless way to die.
She's just a kid and she doesn't really have the same concept of death as I do, so to her this conversation was just a bit of fun; but I was actually really considering every idea we brought up, so that was kind of awkward. Anyway, my sister, brilliant as she is despite her young age, was of the opinion that skydiving without opening your parachute would be the best and most painless way to go.
She was so cute when she said it, and it actually makes a lot of sense, it has to be an awesome way to go... You see the whole world below you, just before you die. It's funny how if I kill myself this way, she'll only then realize what our conversation was really for.
I'd love to go out that way, but I would feel guilty about it now that my little sister is the one who brought it up, she'd be traumatized if I actually stole her idea.
Anyway, I know I still have 78 days to go, but I've recently been thinking more and more about how I'm going to commit the deed. The most important thing to me is that it doesn't hurt. If I go out, I would like to go out with what I would call a "quiet bang" (quiet for me, though a 'bang' for my family and friends). Yesterday I actually found myself talking about suicide with my little sister, we had just seen Dead Man Walking and we were discussing what would be the most painless way to die.
She's just a kid and she doesn't really have the same concept of death as I do, so to her this conversation was just a bit of fun; but I was actually really considering every idea we brought up, so that was kind of awkward. Anyway, my sister, brilliant as she is despite her young age, was of the opinion that skydiving without opening your parachute would be the best and most painless way to go.
She was so cute when she said it, and it actually makes a lot of sense, it has to be an awesome way to go... You see the whole world below you, just before you die. It's funny how if I kill myself this way, she'll only then realize what our conversation was really for.
I'd love to go out that way, but I would feel guilty about it now that my little sister is the one who brought it up, she'd be traumatized if I actually stole her idea.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
I attended class today, just like I normally would.
It's rather odd, come to think of it, taking notes and actively participating in a course that I will be leaving unfinished when I pull the plug in 79 days, but as I said before I will live my life as I always have until that day.
One of my friends told me today that I was the best friend she ever had. She was in a downer about her boyfriend breaking up with her and I guess she just needed a shoulder to cry on. I borrowed her my copy of The Black Parade, told her it would cheer her up and she should just listen to it before going to bed. Haha.
Seriously though, I really find myself being emotionally more distant and callous, knowing that I will be gone with the wind in 79 days, even though I know I should care about my friends and the impact my suicide will have on them. What's funny though is that my elder sister is expecting a baby in less than three months; and she's this very spiritual person, she's into astral projection, tarrot reading, reincarnation, the whole shebang, so if I die around the same time she gives birth to her little one, she'll probably think it's me.
It cracked me up before I went to sleep last night.
P.S.: someone e-mailed me saying that I should bang the German guy I mentioned yesterday, who still lives with his mom, because he probably doesn't get much pussy and his life might suck. I'm considering it, but I won't make any plans or promises yet.
It's rather odd, come to think of it, taking notes and actively participating in a course that I will be leaving unfinished when I pull the plug in 79 days, but as I said before I will live my life as I always have until that day.
One of my friends told me today that I was the best friend she ever had. She was in a downer about her boyfriend breaking up with her and I guess she just needed a shoulder to cry on. I borrowed her my copy of The Black Parade, told her it would cheer her up and she should just listen to it before going to bed. Haha.
Seriously though, I really find myself being emotionally more distant and callous, knowing that I will be gone with the wind in 79 days, even though I know I should care about my friends and the impact my suicide will have on them. What's funny though is that my elder sister is expecting a baby in less than three months; and she's this very spiritual person, she's into astral projection, tarrot reading, reincarnation, the whole shebang, so if I die around the same time she gives birth to her little one, she'll probably think it's me.
It cracked me up before I went to sleep last night.
P.S.: someone e-mailed me saying that I should bang the German guy I mentioned yesterday, who still lives with his mom, because he probably doesn't get much pussy and his life might suck. I'm considering it, but I won't make any plans or promises yet.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
80 days left...
It's strange if you think about it. How every day I cross out a square on my calender, confronting myself with the fact that I'm getting closer to the day of my suicide one X at a time, and I still don't feel the slightest hint of fear or regret.
I do want to thank all the people who are mailing me again though, especially the ones who are trying to stop me from going through with this; they're really great entertainment. One German guy mailed me this morning saying that he would like to bang me one last time before I kill myself, and videotape it if I didn't mind. He also added if I would "kindly not kill myself in his house" because he still lives with his mother...
I hardly have time to read all the mails though, so I usually just skim through them (sorry for anyone I haven't replied to!) What I do find hard to understand is that only one (albeit big) tv station has contacted me so far! People have been telling me not to kill myself, but honestly it seems like the world couldn't care less; I publicly announce my own suicide and the media doesn't even glance at it. I mean, it's all over the news if a terrorist blows himself up on a market in a suicide act, but when an innocent girl threatens to take her own life she doesn't even get a moment's attention. Quite bizarrre.
Not that I'm an attention whore though, I'm not one for camera's and spotlights, but it did strike me as odd. Oh well. Life's too short to be worrying about things like these I suppose; especially for me.
I do want to thank all the people who are mailing me again though, especially the ones who are trying to stop me from going through with this; they're really great entertainment. One German guy mailed me this morning saying that he would like to bang me one last time before I kill myself, and videotape it if I didn't mind. He also added if I would "kindly not kill myself in his house" because he still lives with his mother...
I hardly have time to read all the mails though, so I usually just skim through them (sorry for anyone I haven't replied to!) What I do find hard to understand is that only one (albeit big) tv station has contacted me so far! People have been telling me not to kill myself, but honestly it seems like the world couldn't care less; I publicly announce my own suicide and the media doesn't even glance at it. I mean, it's all over the news if a terrorist blows himself up on a market in a suicide act, but when an innocent girl threatens to take her own life she doesn't even get a moment's attention. Quite bizarrre.
Not that I'm an attention whore though, I'm not one for camera's and spotlights, but it did strike me as odd. Oh well. Life's too short to be worrying about things like these I suppose; especially for me.
Friday, February 15, 2008
81 days left...
I skipped my classes today and hung out with a friend I hadn't seen in a while.
Called her up around noon and we just went driving until we found a nice spot to just sit and reminisce. But sitting in the car, I couldn't help but imagine what it must be like to die in a crash, like if the car in front of us just braked all of a sudden and we'd smash into it at 40 miles per hour. I think it would actually be rather painless, provided you don't surive it in the first place.
On that topic, I saw something pretty funny today, it's a book holder you can mount on the steering wheel of your car, allowing you to read while driving - which the manufacturers of course discourage, but what have I got to lose? Only my life, right? Okay, bad joke. Anyways, I still think it's a pretty alluring idea to go down in a car crash while reading your favorite book, letting fate decide where you crash and what the last line is you'll ever read.
*Sigh* Look at me, already becoming a romantic and there's still 80+ days to go.
Would kind of suck though if I use the book thing to kill myself and end up dying in the middle of reading a sentence, just when the story's getting exciting. It would also be quite ironic if I die trying it out; while I've still got months to go on the blog. Oh well, if you read anything in the news about a girl who died in a car accident, with her head in "The Catcher in the Rye", you'll know what time it is.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
82 Days Left...
Sooo... I went out with Brad for Valentine's today, Brad is evidently not his real name, but I'll call him that in the blog to not have to use his actual name or refer to him as "this guy from work".
Our date was kind of peculair to say the least. He's kind of cute and he's definitely intelligent but like twenty minutes into our conversation he started telling me about this younger brother he had, who committed suicide two years ago when he was 14; talk about an ironic subject. Apparently it was a pretty big thing here since he went about it by jumping off a building in the middle of the city in broad daylight. Brad kind of just kept repeating how devastated he was that his brother didn't even leave a letter or anything. I seriously thought he was gonna cry at one point, but thank god he didn't. No one likes a crybaby for Valentine's. ^^
It got me thinking about my final act though. Jumping off a building seems like a quick and painless way to go, and I honestly can't believe I hadn't even considered it yet. I would've thanked him for the inspiring idea, but I suppose that would've been a real conversation killer. I actually joked to him about if he would be devastated if I killed myself too, he said he would be, but my guess is that that's just sweet talk. After all, he doesn't even know me that well yet.
Anyhow, enough about emo Brad. I need something cheery for a change.
*Listens to My Chemical Romance.*
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Picking the dress
Go to http://suicide.movielol.org for more info.
Today I'm picking out the dress I'll be wearing in 83 days from now when I'll be doing the deed. And you can help me pick through this video I made.
Leave comments on the YouTube video (just click the video) or mail me at taniaderveaux@movielol.org to let me know what your choice is.
Go to http://suicide.movielol.org for more info.
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