Sorry for not having updated yesterday guys, I just wanted to be alone and not think of anything.
The realization that my life is over has finally hit me, and it's like being on the receiving end of a bullet, except for there being depression instead of physical pain as a result. Which I suppose can only help me at this point, but nonetheless it's not very pleasant.
I've been ignoring any phonecalls I've been getting, and I haven't opened the door for anyone anymore these past few days, even when my mother came to visit me with my sis yesterdayI just pretended I wasn't in. I guess they must be getting worried.
They'll know soon enough what's going on with me.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
8 days left...
Seeing that the big day is approaching pretty rapidly now I've been finding myself getting afraid.
Not afraid of dying, but afraid of living. Afraid of doing anything that might cheer me up or make me feel alive, anything that could be fun or exciting, because that would only make things harder on myself eight days from now. I broke contact with all my friends, only speak to my mother when strictly necessary, and I do my best to avoid my sister 24/7 because I just couldn't bear seeing her now.
This is the final countdown of my life.
Not afraid of dying, but afraid of living. Afraid of doing anything that might cheer me up or make me feel alive, anything that could be fun or exciting, because that would only make things harder on myself eight days from now. I broke contact with all my friends, only speak to my mother when strictly necessary, and I do my best to avoid my sister 24/7 because I just couldn't bear seeing her now.
This is the final countdown of my life.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
9 days left...
Something else I forgot to mention, that I thought was pretty insightful.
The Christian guy I talked to yesterday also said that in the end most people in his religion follow the rules and principles of their faith simply so that they would be allowed in heaven, they worship Jesus Christ as a holy figure to give them guidance in death. He said that he himself did not, that he worshipped Jesus Christ as a human being, whose past actions now give him guidance in life.
He was pretty open-minded, saying that his religion was not really the answer to anything, nor living by its rules the way to heaven, he said that all of that was speculation, things people told themselves to not be afraid, or to not have to deal with life. He said that believing in something that gives you the strength to face reality and to stand up for what you think is right and just in this world is all that matters. Whether it's a 2000 year old prophet, or a personal set of principles, he said religion or faith is never the goal, but only a means to achieve your goals.
Whatever, I thought it was pretty insightful so I thought I might as well post it.
The Christian guy I talked to yesterday also said that in the end most people in his religion follow the rules and principles of their faith simply so that they would be allowed in heaven, they worship Jesus Christ as a holy figure to give them guidance in death. He said that he himself did not, that he worshipped Jesus Christ as a human being, whose past actions now give him guidance in life.
He was pretty open-minded, saying that his religion was not really the answer to anything, nor living by its rules the way to heaven, he said that all of that was speculation, things people told themselves to not be afraid, or to not have to deal with life. He said that believing in something that gives you the strength to face reality and to stand up for what you think is right and just in this world is all that matters. Whether it's a 2000 year old prophet, or a personal set of principles, he said religion or faith is never the goal, but only a means to achieve your goals.
Whatever, I thought it was pretty insightful so I thought I might as well post it.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
10 days left...
I spoke to a Christian today who read my blog, he actually recognized me on the bus, which was quite awkward to say the least.
He shyly inquired if I was in fact 'the' Tania Derveaux from the internet, at which point I thought I would be in for some kind of anti-suicide lecture, but surprisingly enough that wasn't the case. The first thing he asked is if I really didn't believe in anything, to which I replied that I didn't, and then he said that that was exactly my problem.
He said that everyone can find something to believe in, whether it's a deity or something more concrete, just something they value, something they know is worth fighting for or worth passing on. And once you have that something, you live for it, and you keep searching for more.
It didn't sound completely ridiculous to me, but it's a bit too late for that.
He shyly inquired if I was in fact 'the' Tania Derveaux from the internet, at which point I thought I would be in for some kind of anti-suicide lecture, but surprisingly enough that wasn't the case. The first thing he asked is if I really didn't believe in anything, to which I replied that I didn't, and then he said that that was exactly my problem.
He said that everyone can find something to believe in, whether it's a deity or something more concrete, just something they value, something they know is worth fighting for or worth passing on. And once you have that something, you live for it, and you keep searching for more.
It didn't sound completely ridiculous to me, but it's a bit too late for that.
Friday, April 25, 2008
11 days left...
The uncle of my mother died a week ago.
The reason I never mentioned this is because it didn't matter to me. Nor did it really matter to her, actually, since we never really knew him, so his death was just a announcement in the mail for us. This actually made it easier for me to believe that death can be something swift and insignificant, that it can be nothing more than a letter, not even standing out in a pile of magazines and bills.
But my opinion kind of changed when my mother's uncle's fiance came to visit us today. She wanted to hand over some personal belongings of his that he wanted to give to my mother, but apparently didn't include in the will for some reason. In any case, she was in tears the entire time she was with us, and she explained to my mother how he was planning to come and see her again, but never got the chance due to his illness.
Seeing that woman so devastated made me realize that there was this whole group of people that loved my mother's uncle, somewhere out there, just as devastated as she was. It made me realize that while we may want to believe it is, death is never swift. It is never painless, and it is never insignificant. At least not for the people around you.
It made me realize that to commit suicide you have to be cold, and selfish, and cruel.
But I am sure that is something I can manage.
The reason I never mentioned this is because it didn't matter to me. Nor did it really matter to her, actually, since we never really knew him, so his death was just a announcement in the mail for us. This actually made it easier for me to believe that death can be something swift and insignificant, that it can be nothing more than a letter, not even standing out in a pile of magazines and bills.
But my opinion kind of changed when my mother's uncle's fiance came to visit us today. She wanted to hand over some personal belongings of his that he wanted to give to my mother, but apparently didn't include in the will for some reason. In any case, she was in tears the entire time she was with us, and she explained to my mother how he was planning to come and see her again, but never got the chance due to his illness.
Seeing that woman so devastated made me realize that there was this whole group of people that loved my mother's uncle, somewhere out there, just as devastated as she was. It made me realize that while we may want to believe it is, death is never swift. It is never painless, and it is never insignificant. At least not for the people around you.
It made me realize that to commit suicide you have to be cold, and selfish, and cruel.
But I am sure that is something I can manage.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
12 days left...
I've gotten a few mails so far from people begging me to put this Youtube video on my blog from this vlogger girl, I wasn't originally gonna do it, but since it's been three people now that explicitly asked for that video I thought what the hell.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zvzq-eUN95A&feature=related
This does not reflect my view on things or my current state of mind at all though, it's just something people asked me to put on, so I decided to be a little democratic in my final days.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zvzq-eUN95A&feature=related
This does not reflect my view on things or my current state of mind at all though, it's just something people asked me to put on, so I decided to be a little democratic in my final days.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
13 days left...
I've been thinking some about the afterlife today and looking up what some religions have to say about it.
Christianity: apparently there's no real statement concerning suicide in the Bible, but after having spoken to a priest (yes, I went there) he said there's a good chance heaven does not allow people who have taken their own lives.
Islam: after doing some research I found that according to this religion people who have committed suicide will in the afterlife be roasted in a fire, forbidden in paradise (obviously, since I kind of figured the roasting didn't take place in heaven) and punished in hell by whatever used to commit suicide (i.e. if you drowned yourself, you will forever drown - how that goes hand in hand with the roasting, I'm not sure, but it doesn't sound pleasant.)
Hinduism: this religion says that a person who commits suicide will wander the earth as a bad ghost, aimlessly, until his alotted lifetime is over, to then be punished more severely in hell.
I kind of stopped there since I got the picture. I was thinking of becoming religious before doing the final act, because it would give me something to look forward to after death, but I guess I'll pass on that and remain an atheist. A great, vast nothing sounds better than fires of hell and eternal drowning.
Christianity: apparently there's no real statement concerning suicide in the Bible, but after having spoken to a priest (yes, I went there) he said there's a good chance heaven does not allow people who have taken their own lives.
Islam: after doing some research I found that according to this religion people who have committed suicide will in the afterlife be roasted in a fire, forbidden in paradise (obviously, since I kind of figured the roasting didn't take place in heaven) and punished in hell by whatever used to commit suicide (i.e. if you drowned yourself, you will forever drown - how that goes hand in hand with the roasting, I'm not sure, but it doesn't sound pleasant.)
Hinduism: this religion says that a person who commits suicide will wander the earth as a bad ghost, aimlessly, until his alotted lifetime is over, to then be punished more severely in hell.
I kind of stopped there since I got the picture. I was thinking of becoming religious before doing the final act, because it would give me something to look forward to after death, but I guess I'll pass on that and remain an atheist. A great, vast nothing sounds better than fires of hell and eternal drowning.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
14 days left...
I think I reached a pretty important question today.
I say "question" and not "answer" because it will probably take me a few more days to come up with one, but the question in itself is already something I hadn't thought of asking myself before. Being suicidal, everything seems to revolve around aspects of life which promote your suicidal tendencies or your general depression; like you'll start to stress the bad things in life, you'll start feeling sorry for yourself over trivial matters, you'll start hating yourself and others for no reason, etc.
But all that is besides the point.
Today I stopped and asked myself for a moment: what is it that I want? After all this, and seeing what I'm planning to do in roughly two weeks, I haven't really reflected on this in a while and kind of lost sight of it. What is it exactly that I actually want and how am I hoping to get it?
Now again I don't want to give readers false hope, I'm nowhere near changing my mind, but I'd like for others to answer this question for themselves too.
I say "question" and not "answer" because it will probably take me a few more days to come up with one, but the question in itself is already something I hadn't thought of asking myself before. Being suicidal, everything seems to revolve around aspects of life which promote your suicidal tendencies or your general depression; like you'll start to stress the bad things in life, you'll start feeling sorry for yourself over trivial matters, you'll start hating yourself and others for no reason, etc.
But all that is besides the point.
Today I stopped and asked myself for a moment: what is it that I want? After all this, and seeing what I'm planning to do in roughly two weeks, I haven't really reflected on this in a while and kind of lost sight of it. What is it exactly that I actually want and how am I hoping to get it?
Now again I don't want to give readers false hope, I'm nowhere near changing my mind, but I'd like for others to answer this question for themselves too.
Monday, April 21, 2008
15 days left...
Someone sent me this video today as an inspiration on how to commit suicide:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCXmYMPEAlc
Somehow it seems a bit impractical though. I won't decide on how to do it until the very last day anyway.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCXmYMPEAlc
Somehow it seems a bit impractical though. I won't decide on how to do it until the very last day anyway.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
16 days left...
Sorry for not updating guys, I was totally beat yesterday, went shopping with my mom. I'll blog about it later, I still have time.
Anyway. I got another really interesting e-mail today, though I'm not sure if interesting is the correct word to use here; it's just one of those messages that really gripped me, so I felt obliged to throw it on my blog:
"Two years ago my teenage sister committed suicide. She took an overdose of medication and left behind three suicide notes, one for me, one for her friends and one for our mom.
The letters themselves were full of hatred and despise, not unlike many of your blog entries, in fact that's why I mailed you, because i recognize your thinking in her writing. But the issue I wanted to bring to your attention is not how her thinking was similar to yours, but more importantly what her final thoughts were.
I found my sister on her bed a short while after she had taken the OD, and she was still conscious at the time, though heavily sedated. I didn't know what was wrong at first and I tried to get her fully conscious again, but she just kept drifting further away.
And the last thing she managed to say to me was "I don't wanna die."
She realized what she had, and she realized what she was destroying the very last second of her life, when it was already too late. This event forever marked me, my mother and all of my sister's friends, of which some are in therapy STILL because they blame themselves.
So I guess my point is please reconsider what you're doing. Cause I know you feel the same way, somewhere deep inside.
Please."
I'm not planning to reconsider. Not at this point. But your e-mail still touched me, and I thought it was something I just had to show to the world.
Anyway. I got another really interesting e-mail today, though I'm not sure if interesting is the correct word to use here; it's just one of those messages that really gripped me, so I felt obliged to throw it on my blog:
"Two years ago my teenage sister committed suicide. She took an overdose of medication and left behind three suicide notes, one for me, one for her friends and one for our mom.
The letters themselves were full of hatred and despise, not unlike many of your blog entries, in fact that's why I mailed you, because i recognize your thinking in her writing. But the issue I wanted to bring to your attention is not how her thinking was similar to yours, but more importantly what her final thoughts were.
I found my sister on her bed a short while after she had taken the OD, and she was still conscious at the time, though heavily sedated. I didn't know what was wrong at first and I tried to get her fully conscious again, but she just kept drifting further away.
And the last thing she managed to say to me was "I don't wanna die."
She realized what she had, and she realized what she was destroying the very last second of her life, when it was already too late. This event forever marked me, my mother and all of my sister's friends, of which some are in therapy STILL because they blame themselves.
So I guess my point is please reconsider what you're doing. Cause I know you feel the same way, somewhere deep inside.
Please."
I'm not planning to reconsider. Not at this point. But your e-mail still touched me, and I thought it was something I just had to show to the world.
Friday, April 18, 2008
18 days left...
I love my sister.
I love her and my parents, and I love all my friends, and I've been up all night crying over it. If they are such good people, and I love them so, how can I ever do this to them? How can I commit suicide and leave my loving friends, parents, and baby sister to suffer for it?
I know I'm beginning to sound like a broken record, but it still bugs me.
I need something to hate them for, but something good, something I can really tell myself with that somehow this is all their fault and they deserve what's coming... I need a reason to hate them.
And I'll find one.
Even if it's the last thing I do.
I love her and my parents, and I love all my friends, and I've been up all night crying over it. If they are such good people, and I love them so, how can I ever do this to them? How can I commit suicide and leave my loving friends, parents, and baby sister to suffer for it?
I know I'm beginning to sound like a broken record, but it still bugs me.
I need something to hate them for, but something good, something I can really tell myself with that somehow this is all their fault and they deserve what's coming... I need a reason to hate them.
And I'll find one.
Even if it's the last thing I do.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
19 days left...
Here's a really interesting e-mail reaction I got:
"My name is. I shot myself in the head 15 yrs ago. I consider myself very fortunate as I obviously did not die. Yes, I was in physical, speech and occupational therapies for a few years, but I have succeeded in returning to school; going to work; getting married; and having a beautiful baby boy. I am going to take your attempt as real and not made up. I hope you contact me so as to have someone who understands what it is you are going through. The world is better with you in it."
Kinda made me wonder...
What if you don't kill yourself, or you survive the attempt, and years from now you're just the happiest person alive... That's something you would've missed out on if you had succeeded. And by "you" I of course mean "I" here, but I'm just generalizing it to not confront myself too much.
I still want to do it.
I think.
"My name is
Kinda made me wonder...
What if you don't kill yourself, or you survive the attempt, and years from now you're just the happiest person alive... That's something you would've missed out on if you had succeeded. And by "you" I of course mean "I" here, but I'm just generalizing it to not confront myself too much.
I still want to do it.
I think.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
20 days left...
Another thing I've been thinking a lot about these past few days is how so many depressed and suicidal people have this general idea of not being understood by anyone.
I must admit that I myself have been a victim of this myself until recently, but when I finally seriously thought about it it just seemed so silly to me. Everyone can be understood. No one is so different or deviant that he is alone in how he feels or who he is. No one. The only reason a person can sometimes be 'not understood' is because of a lack of or flaw in communication, and that's also the major problem I had when I felt like no one understood me.
I subconsciously wanted to not be understood, and I'm sure many people who can identify with me will agree on this; if you're contemplating suicide, all you want is a remedy for the guilt, or worse: a reason why those you will leave behind deserve the pain you will cause them. Hence if you're already feeling depressed, the subconscious plan of action is to not talk about it with your loved ones, not try to explain your feelings or situation to them, because by not doing these things you make sure they will not understand you - and if they don't understand you, you have a reason to hate them.
It's pathetic, really. I stopped doing that. From now on I'm as open and honest as can be, and I won't make illusions anymore. I'm going to see things for what they are.
But that's not to say that my plans have been altered, although I must admit there's an inkling of doubt now, I have not changed my mind.
I must admit that I myself have been a victim of this myself until recently, but when I finally seriously thought about it it just seemed so silly to me. Everyone can be understood. No one is so different or deviant that he is alone in how he feels or who he is. No one. The only reason a person can sometimes be 'not understood' is because of a lack of or flaw in communication, and that's also the major problem I had when I felt like no one understood me.
I subconsciously wanted to not be understood, and I'm sure many people who can identify with me will agree on this; if you're contemplating suicide, all you want is a remedy for the guilt, or worse: a reason why those you will leave behind deserve the pain you will cause them. Hence if you're already feeling depressed, the subconscious plan of action is to not talk about it with your loved ones, not try to explain your feelings or situation to them, because by not doing these things you make sure they will not understand you - and if they don't understand you, you have a reason to hate them.
It's pathetic, really. I stopped doing that. From now on I'm as open and honest as can be, and I won't make illusions anymore. I'm going to see things for what they are.
But that's not to say that my plans have been altered, although I must admit there's an inkling of doubt now, I have not changed my mind.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
21 days left...
I have today decided to give myself one last mission before I leave this planet.
That mission is to find out more about life, what it means, and how come it is so subjective. I caught a part of a war documentary on tv the other day, which is actually what got me thinking in the first place, and I've been wondering about how absurd the comparison really is. On the one hand you have people fighting for their lives despite the overwhelming misery that surrounds them, and with this I mean not only soldiers, but also children who are dying of famine and diseases, victims of abuse and torture, men and women who know what the word pain really means; both mentally and physically.
And on the other hand you have boys and girls who contemplate taking their own lives because of their low popularity in school, a broken heart or their general sense of emptiness, despite the fact that they have never felt but an ounce of the misery of the people I mentioned before.
Now the first mentioned, the soldiers and dying children, the men and women who have seen true misery, they cling to life with all their might. There are men who have seen their best friends slain besides them while limping on injured legs, and yet they made it through and they live out their lives and try to be happy...
What makes us so miserable that we would take our own lives when they would not? That is my questions to all my readers. Not that I am changing my mind, cause I'm not, but I am curious if anyone can rationalize it for me.
That mission is to find out more about life, what it means, and how come it is so subjective. I caught a part of a war documentary on tv the other day, which is actually what got me thinking in the first place, and I've been wondering about how absurd the comparison really is. On the one hand you have people fighting for their lives despite the overwhelming misery that surrounds them, and with this I mean not only soldiers, but also children who are dying of famine and diseases, victims of abuse and torture, men and women who know what the word pain really means; both mentally and physically.
And on the other hand you have boys and girls who contemplate taking their own lives because of their low popularity in school, a broken heart or their general sense of emptiness, despite the fact that they have never felt but an ounce of the misery of the people I mentioned before.
Now the first mentioned, the soldiers and dying children, the men and women who have seen true misery, they cling to life with all their might. There are men who have seen their best friends slain besides them while limping on injured legs, and yet they made it through and they live out their lives and try to be happy...
What makes us so miserable that we would take our own lives when they would not? That is my questions to all my readers. Not that I am changing my mind, cause I'm not, but I am curious if anyone can rationalize it for me.
Monday, April 14, 2008
22 days left...
I've been getting an increased number of mails from people asking me how I am eventually going to kill myself, whether or not I've considered already.
Well, yes I have, but I haven't come to a conclusion yet. One man e-mailed me saying that I should cover myself in steaks and go out into the woods to get eaten by a bear (presuming I know of a forest where there be bears). He suggested that would be an awesome way to go.
I don't necessarily agree. ^^
Too tired for a serious update though, I'll put one on tomorrow.
Well, yes I have, but I haven't come to a conclusion yet. One man e-mailed me saying that I should cover myself in steaks and go out into the woods to get eaten by a bear (presuming I know of a forest where there be bears). He suggested that would be an awesome way to go.
I don't necessarily agree. ^^
Too tired for a serious update though, I'll put one on tomorrow.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
23 days left...
This is impossible.
Mom and sis went picnicking today near the playground, and since they invited me over I thought it would be kind of rude if I didn't show up, so I did, but when I got there I just froze. I don't know what came over me, but I just sat myself behind a tree a safe distance from them (they hadn't seen me yet) and just stared at them. Just stared at how they were so happy. And I thought to myself, how could I possibly hate them, while I know that if I just made an effort I could be as happy too?
I'm smart enough to realize that happiness is not something you're born with, nor something that is given to you in life. It's something you, and only you, can create. So I just couldn't fool myself. I couldn't hate them for being happy cause I know it's all my fault if I'm not, and that I can get out of this rud myself. I don't know why I don't... I don't know why I still want to go through with this.
But I do.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
24 days left...
Someone sent me an interesting mail about the whole trying to get depressed issue.
"I think getting depressed was a bad idea.
If u are depressed, u get emotional... And getting emotional makes it even harder to kill yourself.
Just one tip: Learn to hate. Hate all your friends/parents and even your sister for being happy.
If you hate them, it will be so easy."
Having read this I must say that I kind of started to agree. I'm too smart to tell myself that life isn't worth living and that I'm worth nothing, cause everyone is what he/she makes of him/herself, I know that, so getting depressed without further ado isn't really working. I guess I should try hate.
Thanks!
"I think getting depressed was a bad idea.
If u are depressed, u get emotional... And getting emotional makes it even harder to kill yourself.
Just one tip: Learn to hate. Hate all your friends/parents and even your sister for being happy.
If you hate them, it will be so easy."
Having read this I must say that I kind of started to agree. I'm too smart to tell myself that life isn't worth living and that I'm worth nothing, cause everyone is what he/she makes of him/herself, I know that, so getting depressed without further ado isn't really working. I guess I should try hate.
Thanks!
Friday, April 11, 2008
25 days left...
I took a long walk today to clear my head.
I thought it was time to get a nice and clear view on who I am and where I stand right now, as a human being, because these are in fact my final days and I won't have the chance anymore soon.
The weather was so great today that I actually felt gleeful. Seeing the forest here in spring, a soft sunshine filtering through, it was one of those sights that kind of makes you happy you're alive, just to be able to experience it. I kind of hated myself for taking that walk afterwards, cause now I have to start all over with getting my state of mind low enough to get it over with.
I guess that's life (irony intended).
I thought it was time to get a nice and clear view on who I am and where I stand right now, as a human being, because these are in fact my final days and I won't have the chance anymore soon.
The weather was so great today that I actually felt gleeful. Seeing the forest here in spring, a soft sunshine filtering through, it was one of those sights that kind of makes you happy you're alive, just to be able to experience it. I kind of hated myself for taking that walk afterwards, cause now I have to start all over with getting my state of mind low enough to get it over with.
I guess that's life (irony intended).
26 days left...
I got some angry e-mails today from people who apparently don't understand me (as if anyone does, rite?)
Here's one example, a guy who mailed me giving possible scenarios of what would happen to my family after I kill myself:
"I'm just going to go ahead and throw out some hypotheticals.
1. Racked with grief and guilt, both of your parents kill themselves. Your sister is orphaned and abused in her orphanage or abused by people who adopt her. She goes on to lead a fucked up life (like becoming a serial killer or something).
2. One of your parents kills themself. The other one goes insane and beats the shit out of your sister on a regular basis. They both end up having terrible lives
3. Your sister kills herself. Your parents get a divorce and die depressed and alone."
Does he not understand? This is exactly why I need to become a selfish little cunt, because otherwise I'll be caring about stuff like that. Sure, something like that may be likely to happen when I commit suicide, but the trick is not to care.
Bleh, I feel like a broken record. Or just broken. Yeah, I just feel broken. =(
Here's one example, a guy who mailed me giving possible scenarios of what would happen to my family after I kill myself:
"I'm just going to go ahead and throw out some hypotheticals.
1. Racked with grief and guilt, both of your parents kill themselves. Your sister is orphaned and abused in her orphanage or abused by people who adopt her. She goes on to lead a fucked up life (like becoming a serial killer or something).
2. One of your parents kills themself. The other one goes insane and beats the shit out of your sister on a regular basis. They both end up having terrible lives
3. Your sister kills herself. Your parents get a divorce and die depressed and alone."
Does he not understand? This is exactly why I need to become a selfish little cunt, because otherwise I'll be caring about stuff like that. Sure, something like that may be likely to happen when I commit suicide, but the trick is not to care.
Bleh, I feel like a broken record. Or just broken. Yeah, I just feel broken. =(
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
27 days left...
Okay, so now I'm officially depressed. Mission accomplished there.
The easy part's over, now on to the more advanced stage: not caring about the people around me. This is actually a lot trickier than I thought it would be. I spent some more time with my little sis today, and I almost had tears in my eyes when I thought about what my departing would do to her as I watched her play with her dolls. And not only her, but my friends and parents as well.
Doing what I intend to do after this blog is something that will leave them all devastated and scarred for the rest of their lives, it's a crime towards others more than anything, it's assault, on a mental and deep emotional level. So it's going to be quite hard to get over that, to not feel like a selfish fool.
But I guess I'll just have to manage it.
The easy part's over, now on to the more advanced stage: not caring about the people around me. This is actually a lot trickier than I thought it would be. I spent some more time with my little sis today, and I almost had tears in my eyes when I thought about what my departing would do to her as I watched her play with her dolls. And not only her, but my friends and parents as well.
Doing what I intend to do after this blog is something that will leave them all devastated and scarred for the rest of their lives, it's a crime towards others more than anything, it's assault, on a mental and deep emotional level. So it's going to be quite hard to get over that, to not feel like a selfish fool.
But I guess I'll just have to manage it.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
27 days left...
I'm feeling a little depressed now. Which is great.
I've been spending my nights watching sad movies and trying to cry rather than getting some sleep, so my mental state has kind of almost been completely crushed already. Someone also gave me some pretty handy meditation techniques via e-mail (thanks) about how to train yourself to not care about anyone or anything anymore; which would save me a lot of moral conflict when I do the deed.
So far I'd still feel guilty about leaving my parents, my friends and my little sis behind, but I'm still working on it. My motto is, if you do something; do it right.
Monday, April 7, 2008
29 days left...
I'm pleased to see that I got some genuine tips about how to get depressed, so thanks to all the people that mailed us!
Someone mailed me last night before I went to bed and suggested that I would simply stop sleeping, that I would stay awake for as long as humanly possible. He said that doing that would make me less capable of managing my emotions and being rational, which would eventually get me into a deep depression.
So I started doing that. Haven't slept last night and I don't plan to do so this night either. I'm already beginning to feel some effect of it, but not by far enough.
Someone mailed me last night before I went to bed and suggested that I would simply stop sleeping, that I would stay awake for as long as humanly possible. He said that doing that would make me less capable of managing my emotions and being rational, which would eventually get me into a deep depression.
So I started doing that. Haven't slept last night and I don't plan to do so this night either. I'm already beginning to feel some effect of it, but not by far enough.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
30 days left...
Okay so I started listening to My Chemical Romance, Thursday, Slipknot and Linkin Park non-stop now, I have like all their albums on a huge playlist - with their slightly happier songs cut out.
Other than that I am putting together a list of utterly depressing movies to watch in this last month, and I'm also compiling a list of depressing things to go see or do; like there's musea here about World War II and such, they never really fail to dampen your spirits. I also sit on the floor for at least 30 minutes per day, sort of meditating I guess, telling myself over and over that I am a failure. So far that's working magic.
If anyone has any more suggestions about how to get to a new low in human depression, shoot! I'm gonna need it.
Other than that I am putting together a list of utterly depressing movies to watch in this last month, and I'm also compiling a list of depressing things to go see or do; like there's musea here about World War II and such, they never really fail to dampen your spirits. I also sit on the floor for at least 30 minutes per day, sort of meditating I guess, telling myself over and over that I am a failure. So far that's working magic.
If anyone has any more suggestions about how to get to a new low in human depression, shoot! I'm gonna need it.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
31 days left...
Okay. I have exactly one month left.
I finished boxing the most important stuff that I want to pass on to my beloved little sis or my parents, and I've added the appropriate suicide notes in each box, so that's done. Of course I locked up these boxes in my closet and carry the key with me wherever I go since my mom or anyone else coming into my appartment could find them otherwise.
Next on my to-do list is to get depressed.
That's right, I am going to do my best to depress myself, to get my mood as low as humanly possible, cause that's the only way I'll be able to get it over with in 30 days without having moral objections of my own.
Let the crying commence. ^^
I finished boxing the most important stuff that I want to pass on to my beloved little sis or my parents, and I've added the appropriate suicide notes in each box, so that's done. Of course I locked up these boxes in my closet and carry the key with me wherever I go since my mom or anyone else coming into my appartment could find them otherwise.
Next on my to-do list is to get depressed.
That's right, I am going to do my best to depress myself, to get my mood as low as humanly possible, cause that's the only way I'll be able to get it over with in 30 days without having moral objections of my own.
Let the crying commence. ^^
Friday, April 4, 2008
32 days left...
Yes, I know, that was a cruel April fool's prank, now get over it.
Seriously why are you all mailing me about it saying how I shouldn't do things like that? It's just a bit of fun. There is nothing immoral about a prank as long as it turns out to be just that. Like on April fool's day, since I wasn't writing a blog and I could spend that time thinking up something else, I thought up and pulled a prank on my little sister. ^^
What I did was go in to her room while she was out with my grandparents (they still go on easter egg hunts with her) and play dead on her bed. So when she came home and entered her room, I was lying face-down on her bed, completely motionless (and on that note, holding your breath for that long is hard).
So she giggled and thought I was playing, and tried to wake me up, but when I didn't move even after fifteen seconds she started yelling at me that it wasn't funny (which of course it was) and after another 10 seconds or so she started crying.
I just jumped up and startled her then, since I couldn't hold my breath any longer. You should've seen the look on her face. =p
Well, at least now I know how she'll react to the real thing.
Seriously why are you all mailing me about it saying how I shouldn't do things like that? It's just a bit of fun. There is nothing immoral about a prank as long as it turns out to be just that. Like on April fool's day, since I wasn't writing a blog and I could spend that time thinking up something else, I thought up and pulled a prank on my little sister. ^^
What I did was go in to her room while she was out with my grandparents (they still go on easter egg hunts with her) and play dead on her bed. So when she came home and entered her room, I was lying face-down on her bed, completely motionless (and on that note, holding your breath for that long is hard).
So she giggled and thought I was playing, and tried to wake me up, but when I didn't move even after fifteen seconds she started yelling at me that it wasn't funny (which of course it was) and after another 10 seconds or so she started crying.
I just jumped up and startled her then, since I couldn't hold my breath any longer. You should've seen the look on her face. =p
Well, at least now I know how she'll react to the real thing.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
33 days left...
April fool's!
Seriously you can't believe how hard I've been laughing with all the mails I've been getting about whether or not I'm dead yet. Did you guys honestly believe I wouldn't finish my blog first? ^^
So for all those who were worrying, not to fret, I'm here alive and well for another 33 days or so, that blog was just a little joke of mine; it was April 1st after all.
Seriously you can't believe how hard I've been laughing with all the mails I've been getting about whether or not I'm dead yet. Did you guys honestly believe I wouldn't finish my blog first? ^^
So for all those who were worrying, not to fret, I'm here alive and well for another 33 days or so, that blog was just a little joke of mine; it was April 1st after all.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
35 days left...
This will be my last blog.
Apparently my mother did find that suicide note I wrote several weeks ago (the one she allegedly couldn't read cause it went into the washing machine along with my jeans), turns out she knew all along and she's been contacting "people" that can help me. I noticed since I had been getting strangely cheery messages from friends, and I really knew when a friend of my mom's came by to talk to me last night; about "life"...
Could it be any more conspicuous?
Knowing this I see no other option but to end this blog - and my life - already. I've slept for three hours last night and spent the rest of my night finishing my suicide letters and organizing the things I want to leave behind.
To all my readers: by the time the first comment reaches my blog I will in all probability already be gone, I don't want to stick around to see whatever people have to say about this, it's my choice and it's painful enough to share it like this. So don't bother commenting or mailing me if you want to stop me, you won't reach anyone.
Mom, sis, all my friends, if you read this, I wasn't mad at any of you. And if you didn't find my notes, they are on my bed.
Please forgive me.
Apparently my mother did find that suicide note I wrote several weeks ago (the one she allegedly couldn't read cause it went into the washing machine along with my jeans), turns out she knew all along and she's been contacting "people" that can help me. I noticed since I had been getting strangely cheery messages from friends, and I really knew when a friend of my mom's came by to talk to me last night; about "life"...
Could it be any more conspicuous?
Knowing this I see no other option but to end this blog - and my life - already. I've slept for three hours last night and spent the rest of my night finishing my suicide letters and organizing the things I want to leave behind.
To all my readers: by the time the first comment reaches my blog I will in all probability already be gone, I don't want to stick around to see whatever people have to say about this, it's my choice and it's painful enough to share it like this. So don't bother commenting or mailing me if you want to stop me, you won't reach anyone.
Mom, sis, all my friends, if you read this, I wasn't mad at any of you. And if you didn't find my notes, they are on my bed.
Please forgive me.
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