So, someone sent me this 'interesting' picture.
In other news, my life sucks.
Those were the headlines for today. Stay tuned for the weather.
Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain.
Oh, and I got some more e-mails from people who want to help me, one guy said that anyone who is thinking about suicide should read this website first:
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/spagebw.htm
It's well written and it's definitely intelligent, so if you're a suicidal person reading this, check it out and maybe it'll be inspiring for you. He asked me to put it in my blog so there I did.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Sunday, March 30, 2008
37 days left...
The last few days I've been getting several mails about how my life can't possibly be that bad.
People have been telling me that there are children dying in Africa, nations torn by war and conflict, innocent people dying of starvation or disease, people losing everything to floods or other disasters, I've also been sent links to documentaries about child abuse and pedophile red light districts etc.
I guess these mails were either meant as some sick joke, or to show me that my life is nowhere near as bad in comparison. In either case, they failed.
My life IS terrible, even in comparison. Children that were born into prostitution or war have gotten used to it, it's nowhere near as bad for them as my life is to me, because it's so unfair that bad things would happen to me, in this context, while it's natural for them.
I'm the victim here!
Saturday, March 29, 2008
38 days left...
I can't really describe my mood very well today, at least not better than this piece of lyrics from the Slipknot song People = Shit:
Come on down and see the idiot right here
Too fucked to beg and not afraid to care
What's the matter with calamity anyway?
Right? Get the fuck outta my face
Understand that I can't feel anything
It isn't like I wanna sift through the decay
I feel like a wound, like I've got a fuckin'
Gun against my head - You live when I'm dead
One more time, motherfucker
Everybody hates me now, so fuck it
Blood's on my face and my hands, and I
Don't know why. I'm not afraid to cry
But that's none of your business
Whose life is it? Get it? See it? Feel it? Eat it?
Turn it around so I can spit in its face
I wanna leave without a trace
Don't ask.
Come on down and see the idiot right here
Too fucked to beg and not afraid to care
What's the matter with calamity anyway?
Right? Get the fuck outta my face
Understand that I can't feel anything
It isn't like I wanna sift through the decay
I feel like a wound, like I've got a fuckin'
Gun against my head - You live when I'm dead
One more time, motherfucker
Everybody hates me now, so fuck it
Blood's on my face and my hands, and I
Don't know why. I'm not afraid to cry
But that's none of your business
Whose life is it? Get it? See it? Feel it? Eat it?
Turn it around so I can spit in its face
I wanna leave without a trace
Don't ask.
Friday, March 28, 2008
39 days left...
Sorry I couldn't upload a blog last night guys, my internet was down. =(
Anyway, listen to this.
A guy mailed me yesterday (a little late) in response to my question about 'why I should continue living', if there was any reason at all. Now this is one of the more serious mails I've gotten on the topic so far, here's what he says:
"What happens to you when you die is not certain. In fact, neither science nor philosophy can even hint at what the afterlife is like, so for all we know it could be a terrible fate. The point is that it's a blind leap, and not just that, it's a leap we all take at one point, so to begin with I see no point in taking it now rather than later (i.e. dieing peacefully of old age surrounded by people who love you).
What is certain, is what happens to the people around you when you die. The one and only thing we know for sure about the effects of your death is that your family, your friends, and especially your little sister, will be left behind broken and depressed. That your act of cowardice and selfishness will break the spirits of many people, just because you couldn't wait to see what lies beyond that gate.
Now where is the sense in that? Where is the sense in ending your life and causing so much pain, while you could spend it causing joy, and taking that leap later?"
That was it. Completely anonymous too, and I can see why, he's just a total loser. :-P
Seriously, what a load of crap.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
So my little sister learned about life and death the other day.
I went to see my mother today and she told me that our dog Emilio (well, actually my sister's dog) died yesterday. Apparently he got run over by a car, the poor thing wasn't even 4 years old. In any case my sister was still in tears over it, and she told me later in her room that she felt really guilty about it because she might have been able to prevent it somehow and that she would never forgive herself.
I can't imagine what she'll feel like in 41 days. But I guess I don't really have to imagine either, it'll just make it harder.
I went to see my mother today and she told me that our dog Emilio (well, actually my sister's dog) died yesterday. Apparently he got run over by a car, the poor thing wasn't even 4 years old. In any case my sister was still in tears over it, and she told me later in her room that she felt really guilty about it because she might have been able to prevent it somehow and that she would never forgive herself.
I can't imagine what she'll feel like in 41 days. But I guess I don't really have to imagine either, it'll just make it harder.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
42 days left...
I don't know if it's just here in my country, but the weather seems to be going crazy!
When I woke up there was practically a snowstorm going on outside, with at least 3 centimeters of snow covering the ground and trees. Five minutes later there wasn't a cloud in the sky, temperatures rose and the day was sunny as could be. Another five to ten minutes later we had rain and hail, followed by snow again; and then the whole cycle kind of repeated.
Before I started this 90 Day initiative, I was pretty concerned with global warming and making the world a better place in general, but that was (obviously) before I stopped caring. Now it just feels kind of weird to see all these climate changes, disasters on tv, etc. Cause a part of me says "this is important" and the other, more rational part of me says, "just laugh at it, you won't be around to see their suffering anyway".
I just thought I'd share that little semi-schizo phase I had, since I have nothing better to blog about.
When I woke up there was practically a snowstorm going on outside, with at least 3 centimeters of snow covering the ground and trees. Five minutes later there wasn't a cloud in the sky, temperatures rose and the day was sunny as could be. Another five to ten minutes later we had rain and hail, followed by snow again; and then the whole cycle kind of repeated.
Before I started this 90 Day initiative, I was pretty concerned with global warming and making the world a better place in general, but that was (obviously) before I stopped caring. Now it just feels kind of weird to see all these climate changes, disasters on tv, etc. Cause a part of me says "this is important" and the other, more rational part of me says, "just laugh at it, you won't be around to see their suffering anyway".
I just thought I'd share that little semi-schizo phase I had, since I have nothing better to blog about.
Monday, March 24, 2008
43 days left...
Sorry there was no blog last night guys, I just had a pretty crazy night.
I'm not sure if I can even write about it, I don't think I fully understand it myself, but... I guess everyone's had their life-changing moments in their lives and I suppose this was one of mine, pretty ironic considering my 90-day initiative. I went out last night with a friend (no one I've blogged about, so doesn't really matter who) and we just had some fun, nothing out of the ordinary, and at the end of the night I walked him back to his place and then walked the rest of the way alone (otherwise he'd have to walk to and fro all the way with me).
And about halfway home I noticed an ambulance parked outside a house, with a small crowd of people surrounding the curb. I just stood there, listening to 10,000 Days on my MP3 player as if it were a soundtrack to what was happening around me, and I watched as the medics brought out the body of an old woman.
I couldn't hear what they were saying, but I knew she was dead. It was obvious, I don't really know why, but it was. I just went home after the ambulance left, and I didn't sleep all night. I don't know why. But I should get it out of my head. It shouldn't bother me.
My mind was set, and it still is.
I'm not sure if I can even write about it, I don't think I fully understand it myself, but... I guess everyone's had their life-changing moments in their lives and I suppose this was one of mine, pretty ironic considering my 90-day initiative. I went out last night with a friend (no one I've blogged about, so doesn't really matter who) and we just had some fun, nothing out of the ordinary, and at the end of the night I walked him back to his place and then walked the rest of the way alone (otherwise he'd have to walk to and fro all the way with me).
And about halfway home I noticed an ambulance parked outside a house, with a small crowd of people surrounding the curb. I just stood there, listening to 10,000 Days on my MP3 player as if it were a soundtrack to what was happening around me, and I watched as the medics brought out the body of an old woman.
I couldn't hear what they were saying, but I knew she was dead. It was obvious, I don't really know why, but it was. I just went home after the ambulance left, and I didn't sleep all night. I don't know why. But I should get it out of my head. It shouldn't bother me.
My mind was set, and it still is.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
45 days left...
Strangely I didn't get any e-mails today about the porn star question, but I did get plenty of replies about how to break the sex taboo (which I previously set as one of my last goals.)
Seeing that I was alone all day and no one was stopping by I decided to walk around naked in my apartment all day, taking the advice of a man who mailed me saying it would be a liberating experience and might change my mind altogether about the whole suicide deal. Well, that it didn't, but it was pretty liberating I must say, and ironically while reading the mails (still naked, as per principle for the day) someone suggested that I walk out on a famous street (he took Wall St. as an example) completely naked, with or without slogan or banner with a message on it.
It's not a bad idea, and it would probably give me the feeling like I've accomplished something, but I'm not sure yet. I'd like to hear more ideas first.
Seeing that I was alone all day and no one was stopping by I decided to walk around naked in my apartment all day, taking the advice of a man who mailed me saying it would be a liberating experience and might change my mind altogether about the whole suicide deal. Well, that it didn't, but it was pretty liberating I must say, and ironically while reading the mails (still naked, as per principle for the day) someone suggested that I walk out on a famous street (he took Wall St. as an example) completely naked, with or without slogan or banner with a message on it.
It's not a bad idea, and it would probably give me the feeling like I've accomplished something, but I'm not sure yet. I'd like to hear more ideas first.
Friday, March 21, 2008
46 days left...
For some reason I haven't been able to get that e-mail regarding the porn movie out of my head.
I'm not saying I want to do it, cause I haven't made any decisions yet, but just the whole concept of acting in a pornographic film is... intriguing (for lack of a better word, I guess). I mean, for people who still have their whole life ahead of them, how do they handle being a porn star in their daily lives? Just imagine this with me for a second, can you even still have family dinners if you're a porn star? Can you still have normal conversations with siblings or even friends?
Seriously, I mean imagine sitting at the Christmas table with family and friends, knowing that the only thing they can comment or compliment you on is "Yeah, good job in interracial gang bang there, great intensity..."
Not that I would have to worry about that since this porn movie (that I have been offered to participate in) would only be released two months after my "expiration date". But still, I'm curious, if there are any porn stars out there or people who have an idea of what it's like, feel free to mail me and talk about it!
I'm not saying I want to do it, cause I haven't made any decisions yet, but just the whole concept of acting in a pornographic film is... intriguing (for lack of a better word, I guess). I mean, for people who still have their whole life ahead of them, how do they handle being a porn star in their daily lives? Just imagine this with me for a second, can you even still have family dinners if you're a porn star? Can you still have normal conversations with siblings or even friends?
Seriously, I mean imagine sitting at the Christmas table with family and friends, knowing that the only thing they can comment or compliment you on is "Yeah, good job in interracial gang bang there, great intensity..."
Not that I would have to worry about that since this porn movie (that I have been offered to participate in) would only be released two months after my "expiration date". But still, I'm curious, if there are any porn stars out there or people who have an idea of what it's like, feel free to mail me and talk about it!
Thursday, March 20, 2008
47 days left...
Okay, I don't know what I did but I just got a huge mail spike.
I think I received like twice as many mails as I usually get per day, and I have no idea where they all came from. I really don't have the time to answer or even read them all to so huge apologies to everyone who mailed me and didn't get a reply, I just don't know what happened here, I'm drowning in mails!
I did quickly skim the topics and senders to see if there's anything I really shouldn't be missing, and I managed to filter out another mail from the "mysterious celebrity" I had drinks with a while ago, he just wanted to know how I was doing; I actually think he wants to go out with me again but doesn't dare to ask, so if you're reading this (you know who you are, you), just ask! :p
Also, I received a mail from a pornography director who apparently took my comment about acting in a porn movie without the grain of salt I gave it away with. He said that he would pay a ridiculous amount of money to have me as a star in his new porn movie, and I would of course have a say in how far I wanted to go in it (soft porn, hard porn, and all variations of the latter).
I don't know if I should be flattered, intrigued, or repelled. ^^
I think I received like twice as many mails as I usually get per day, and I have no idea where they all came from. I really don't have the time to answer or even read them all to so huge apologies to everyone who mailed me and didn't get a reply, I just don't know what happened here, I'm drowning in mails!
I did quickly skim the topics and senders to see if there's anything I really shouldn't be missing, and I managed to filter out another mail from the "mysterious celebrity" I had drinks with a while ago, he just wanted to know how I was doing; I actually think he wants to go out with me again but doesn't dare to ask, so if you're reading this (you know who you are, you), just ask! :p
Also, I received a mail from a pornography director who apparently took my comment about acting in a porn movie without the grain of salt I gave it away with. He said that he would pay a ridiculous amount of money to have me as a star in his new porn movie, and I would of course have a say in how far I wanted to go in it (soft porn, hard porn, and all variations of the latter).
I don't know if I should be flattered, intrigued, or repelled. ^^
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
48 days left...
I'd love to say that I have something really interesting to write about right now, but I'm a geek, so go figure. How does a geek girl spend her last days? By browsing the internet.
Seriously I have been reading Digg and GAF for hours now while listening to some Thursday, all that has just taken the majority of my day. I wasn't planning on it though, was planning to even go to the zoo maybe (omg adventure!) but then that guy (the one who asked me to have sex with him - *points to previous blogs*) sent me a link to this: the 25 most scary sex toys (http://www.cracked.com/article_16032_25-most-disturbing-sex-toys.html).
He told me he had one of them, but he wouldn't say which unless I wanted to find out.
I must say my curiosity is piqued. ^^
Seriously I have been reading Digg and GAF for hours now while listening to some Thursday, all that has just taken the majority of my day. I wasn't planning on it though, was planning to even go to the zoo maybe (omg adventure!) but then that guy (the one who asked me to have sex with him - *points to previous blogs*) sent me a link to this: the 25 most scary sex toys (http://www.cracked.com/article_16032_25-most-disturbing-sex-toys.html).
He told me he had one of them, but he wouldn't say which unless I wanted to find out.
I must say my curiosity is piqued. ^^
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
49 days left...
Something from that would-be philosophical conversation last night kind of stuck with me.
What happens after we die?
I was up pretty late last night thinking about it. I'm not a religious person, so I was trying to imagine what it would be like to be... well, dead. I do somewhat believe in the soul, and that there is an astral or spiritual being inside of us that makes us who we are, but I've never been a great philosopher.
There are just two problems with dying in my opinion: one is that maybe the afterlife is much, much worse than this one (that would be ironic), and the other is that if you're a ghost when you die; if your soul lingers, you would be able to see how much hurt and suffering you caused those that you left behind - and honestly, no one wants to see a little girl crying over their graves, so I'd like to pass on that.
But these are just speculations, so if anyone has any other views on what could happen to use after death, mail them to me, I'm interested.
What happens after we die?
I was up pretty late last night thinking about it. I'm not a religious person, so I was trying to imagine what it would be like to be... well, dead. I do somewhat believe in the soul, and that there is an astral or spiritual being inside of us that makes us who we are, but I've never been a great philosopher.
There are just two problems with dying in my opinion: one is that maybe the afterlife is much, much worse than this one (that would be ironic), and the other is that if you're a ghost when you die; if your soul lingers, you would be able to see how much hurt and suffering you caused those that you left behind - and honestly, no one wants to see a little girl crying over their graves, so I'd like to pass on that.
But these are just speculations, so if anyone has any other views on what could happen to use after death, mail them to me, I'm interested.
Monday, March 17, 2008
50 days left...
I went to class today, don't ask me why, I guess I was just bored.
Somewhere around noon I accidentally met up with my "team" (see previous blog) and we had a short chat. They were less merry than before, trying to be all philosophical about life and the universe now, since they'd just had a philosophy class. Ironically one of them asked me if I believed in the soul, if I believed that after we're gone our spirit carries on. I told him I didn't know, but I wouldn't mind finding out. He didn't get it, of course. :-p
Remembering my previous vow to break the taboos regarding sex (I said that some blogs back), I actually made this half-assed attempt at steering the conversation towards more sexually oriented stuff, but it pretty much failed, until after the convo when one of the guys just came up to me and asked me if I wanted to have sex with him.
It was the most direct question I had ever heard, so I was pretty surprised to hear someone just ask it like that irl, but I guess the taboo breaking worked pretty well there.
I haven't given him an answer yet either.
Somewhere around noon I accidentally met up with my "team" (see previous blog) and we had a short chat. They were less merry than before, trying to be all philosophical about life and the universe now, since they'd just had a philosophy class. Ironically one of them asked me if I believed in the soul, if I believed that after we're gone our spirit carries on. I told him I didn't know, but I wouldn't mind finding out. He didn't get it, of course. :-p
Remembering my previous vow to break the taboos regarding sex (I said that some blogs back), I actually made this half-assed attempt at steering the conversation towards more sexually oriented stuff, but it pretty much failed, until after the convo when one of the guys just came up to me and asked me if I wanted to have sex with him.
It was the most direct question I had ever heard, so I was pretty surprised to hear someone just ask it like that irl, but I guess the taboo breaking worked pretty well there.
I haven't given him an answer yet either.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
51 days left...
And so passes another day in the boring and frankly quite suck-tastic life of me.
I met up with some people from uni today since we had to work on this task, which was kind of okay except for the fact that I didn't like these people at all; they were just too... cheerful, I guess, I mean there wasn't anything to be particularly cheerful about so it's just weird when people are so "positive" for no reason. Kinda made me a bit uncomfortable, cause like, life isn't positive at all, so why they were acting all giddy was completely beyond me.
My day ended on a not-so-bad note though when I got an e-mail from the - drumrolls - mysterious celebrity (well, mysterious for the readers anyhow). Nothing special, he didn't ask to meet up again or anything, just making conversation, which is nice.
I'll probably have to do more "teamwork" for that uni paper next week though. The horror.
I met up with some people from uni today since we had to work on this task, which was kind of okay except for the fact that I didn't like these people at all; they were just too... cheerful, I guess, I mean there wasn't anything to be particularly cheerful about so it's just weird when people are so "positive" for no reason. Kinda made me a bit uncomfortable, cause like, life isn't positive at all, so why they were acting all giddy was completely beyond me.
My day ended on a not-so-bad note though when I got an e-mail from the - drumrolls - mysterious celebrity (well, mysterious for the readers anyhow). Nothing special, he didn't ask to meet up again or anything, just making conversation, which is nice.
I'll probably have to do more "teamwork" for that uni paper next week though. The horror.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
53 days left...
For all the people that have mailed me about there not being a blog yesterday: no, I have not killed myself yet, sheesh. I mean seriously, what kind of a question is that? If I had, what good would it do to send me a mail about it? Dead people can't exactly reply.
Anyhow, the reason there was no blog yesterday is because I went out on that "date" with the celebrity-whose-name-I-won't-mention and well, it got pretty late. We started off having drinks in some fancy café (not exactly my style, but he was paying) around 6 and just talked for a few hours. He wanted to know what drove me to do this and to blog about it, and I just explained to him that I just felt like 'going out' this way and he fully respected that.
In the end we went bowling (his suggestion, he promised I'd like it. I actualld didn't, but I still had a good time) and afterwards he offered to try and boost me into a small movie carreer before my days are up, so that I may reach more people with the blog and experience a few last moments of glory.
I told him I was flattered, but it's hardly the kind of proposal I was waiting for. ^^
Anyhow, the reason there was no blog yesterday is because I went out on that "date" with the celebrity-whose-name-I-won't-mention and well, it got pretty late. We started off having drinks in some fancy café (not exactly my style, but he was paying) around 6 and just talked for a few hours. He wanted to know what drove me to do this and to blog about it, and I just explained to him that I just felt like 'going out' this way and he fully respected that.
In the end we went bowling (his suggestion, he promised I'd like it. I actualld didn't, but I still had a good time) and afterwards he offered to try and boost me into a small movie carreer before my days are up, so that I may reach more people with the blog and experience a few last moments of glory.
I told him I was flattered, but it's hardly the kind of proposal I was waiting for. ^^
Thursday, March 13, 2008
54 days left...
Dear diary, today I have absolutely nothing to write about.
Seriously, I am such a dork. My life ends in 54 days and I have absolutely nothing interesting to say, I mean, how boring of a person can you be? You'd think I would be inspired to make the best out of my last days or at least do something special or interesting with them, but no, here I am doing nothing. I'm lazy, I'm uninteresting and I'm a dork. All I'm doing is looking forward to that date with "the celebrity", not because I'm particularly interested in him but just because it's the only thing worth looking forward to on my calendar.
Lucky for me it's tomorrow, otherwise I don't know what the hell I'd be doing the next few days. I should really come up with simple, interesting stuff to do. So, if anyone has suggestions, mail away! And I promise I'll make an effort to make my life more interesting the coming weeks and months, so you guys wouldn't have to get bored to death by my rambling.
Seriously, I am such a dork. My life ends in 54 days and I have absolutely nothing interesting to say, I mean, how boring of a person can you be? You'd think I would be inspired to make the best out of my last days or at least do something special or interesting with them, but no, here I am doing nothing. I'm lazy, I'm uninteresting and I'm a dork. All I'm doing is looking forward to that date with "the celebrity", not because I'm particularly interested in him but just because it's the only thing worth looking forward to on my calendar.
Lucky for me it's tomorrow, otherwise I don't know what the hell I'd be doing the next few days. I should really come up with simple, interesting stuff to do. So, if anyone has suggestions, mail away! And I promise I'll make an effort to make my life more interesting the coming weeks and months, so you guys wouldn't have to get bored to death by my rambling.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
55 days left...
Okay, seriously, you guys wouldn't believe the e-mails I've been getting here. I hardly believe it myself.
First off I just don't get how many readers take the time to actually contact me, I would've thought most people were way more passive, but I stand corrected. But these last few days I've been getting even crazier mails, I have been contacted by television stations (as I said previously), celebrities (well, minor celebrities at least) merely out of their personal interest, journalists, and even a huge game developer!
The celebrity I'm talking about (I won't mention his name cause quite some people definitely know him) might be taking me out for drinks sometime soon cause he wanted to talk about my decision - not talk me out of it, but just out of curiosity - and he'll be in the neighborhood, so why not? ^^
I'll keep you guys posted!
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
56 days left...
My little sister is officially the most adorable creature on the face of the earth.
I spent like the whole day today helping her with her homework. It's been quite a while since I've spent this much time with her and I really forgot how much she meant to me. Well, I didn't completely forget of course, but still, she means more to me than I sometimes realise.
We made a whole game out of her homework assignment, like playing a (child's version of) poker to explain how certain things in maths work and stuff, I'm not going to go into detail cause I'd bore you all to death, but it was great fun.
Sure this isn't the most epic or adventurous way to spend one of your last days, but it meant more to me than anything I can think of right now.
Monday, March 10, 2008
57 days left...
I don't know why they chose to contact me now, but another big television station sent me a mail today (actually they sent it two days ago but it crashlanded in my junk folder and I only read it now).
They asked if I wanted to make an appearance on their TV show (for the sake of privacy I won't name the channel or the show) and be interviewed by 'a big show host whose name I won't mention' so that they could air this sometime soon before the other media picked it up. That last part was stressed quite a bit, as if I was going to be spammed by media anytime soon, but anyway they wanted to be the first just in case.
I've been thinking about doing it, but there is of course this huge risk of my family/friends finding out, so there's kind of no way for me to do it except for if they blur out my face and alter my voice like in those cheesy semi-reality shows.
Meh, we'll see, I'm still thinking about it.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
58 days left...
Okay, carving is definitely not my thing.
I tried it today (cutting on myself, that is) and it like totally sucks. I made like a small incision in forearm and it just started hurting and bleeding so I stopped and put a band-aid on it immediately. Who would ever want to do that? I mean, it's nowhere near as painful as life can be sometimes, granted, cause life can really suck, especially mine, but still.
I ate ice cream as compensation for the pain. Then I listened to an emo compilation that I had actually put together for my final moments but I just felt like listening to it already. I also bumped my ankle against the corner of my bed today; the ankle that was already sprained, so that sucked too.
Basically everything except for the music listening sucked today. Yay for me.
I tried it today (cutting on myself, that is) and it like totally sucks. I made like a small incision in forearm and it just started hurting and bleeding so I stopped and put a band-aid on it immediately. Who would ever want to do that? I mean, it's nowhere near as painful as life can be sometimes, granted, cause life can really suck, especially mine, but still.
I ate ice cream as compensation for the pain. Then I listened to an emo compilation that I had actually put together for my final moments but I just felt like listening to it already. I also bumped my ankle against the corner of my bed today; the ankle that was already sprained, so that sucked too.
Basically everything except for the music listening sucked today. Yay for me.
59 days left...
Today I cried for no reason.
Don't expect me to explain it in this blog, for I really can't. I was just taking a stroll through the park, thinking of things to add to my list of what I should do before I died, when I suddenly started crying. As I mentioned before I have absolutely no fear of dying and am more than determined to end my life in 58 days, so I don't understand why exactly I started crying, but all I can say was that it felt great.
So I just sat there on a bench, weeping, and this guy came to sit next to me all of a sudden asking me what was wrong. I kind of ignored him at first and when he persisted I just said I didn't know him so I didn't get why he cared, but eventually we started having a real conversation and I told him that I couldn't really say why I was crying, only that it felt good.
He said that it was the body's way of dealing with life. He said that in order to feel good you must feel bad, and so we cry to laugh again. There were like 50-something scars on his arm that he showed me, and he told me that he regularly carved on himself because he liked the pain, and that it was his way of crying.
It piqued my interest.
Don't expect me to explain it in this blog, for I really can't. I was just taking a stroll through the park, thinking of things to add to my list of what I should do before I died, when I suddenly started crying. As I mentioned before I have absolutely no fear of dying and am more than determined to end my life in 58 days, so I don't understand why exactly I started crying, but all I can say was that it felt great.
So I just sat there on a bench, weeping, and this guy came to sit next to me all of a sudden asking me what was wrong. I kind of ignored him at first and when he persisted I just said I didn't know him so I didn't get why he cared, but eventually we started having a real conversation and I told him that I couldn't really say why I was crying, only that it felt good.
He said that it was the body's way of dealing with life. He said that in order to feel good you must feel bad, and so we cry to laugh again. There were like 50-something scars on his arm that he showed me, and he told me that he regularly carved on himself because he liked the pain, and that it was his way of crying.
It piqued my interest.
Friday, March 7, 2008
60 days left...
So I've been getting quite some response to the question in my previous blog.
First off let me again clarify that my question was really just posed out of curiosity, and that regardless of the answers I will still commit suicide when my blogging days are up. With that out of the way, I must say that I find it shocking (well, not really, but still surprising) how many e-mails I got that were oriented towards sex even in the light of my question.
Some people sent like a two page mail (and yes, even though I may not always reply I do read all of my mails entirely) about how me having sex with them would change my mind. It's strange how when things get more anonymous (i.e. on the internet in general) sex becomes such a common subject and people tend to openly admit to craving it in an almost animalistic manner; while in real life it's a complete taboo to mention it in most social situations.
This got me thinking and so I decided to give myself one last mission: to break the sexual taboo. I'm not sure yet how I'll do it, or even where or on what kind of scale; like just talking to my friends or blogging about my sex life maybe, but in any case it intrigues me and I'll be putting at least some of my focus on it before I turn the lights off for good. ^^
First off let me again clarify that my question was really just posed out of curiosity, and that regardless of the answers I will still commit suicide when my blogging days are up. With that out of the way, I must say that I find it shocking (well, not really, but still surprising) how many e-mails I got that were oriented towards sex even in the light of my question.
Some people sent like a two page mail (and yes, even though I may not always reply I do read all of my mails entirely) about how me having sex with them would change my mind. It's strange how when things get more anonymous (i.e. on the internet in general) sex becomes such a common subject and people tend to openly admit to craving it in an almost animalistic manner; while in real life it's a complete taboo to mention it in most social situations.
This got me thinking and so I decided to give myself one last mission: to break the sexual taboo. I'm not sure yet how I'll do it, or even where or on what kind of scale; like just talking to my friends or blogging about my sex life maybe, but in any case it intrigues me and I'll be putting at least some of my focus on it before I turn the lights off for good. ^^
Thursday, March 6, 2008
61 days left...
Okay, I feel I owe a lot of readers an apology.
Many of you have sent me mails to tell me that I should cherish my life, that I shouldn't kill myself, that there's so much still to live for etc. etc. - and I haven't replied to most of them, so I hereby thank you all for your futile efforts to save a soul that's already long lost, and I apologize for neglecting you.
On that note though, I'd like to ask you all a serious question. All clichés aside, can anyone of you give me one valid (and my valid I mean "really good") reason to live? I dare you, mail me one reason that could potentially convince me, and I don't want to hear corny banter like "For your little sister," and sorts, cause that's just lame. My sister may be only a child, but just because of that she won't really mind much when I'm gone; she'll get over it as soon as she gets a new box of Lego. :p
And don't get me wrong, this question is merely out of curiosity, even if I get a hundred "good" reasons to stay alive, I will kill myself - my determination is unwavering and my resolve not negotiable. ;)
P.S.: I've also gotten a lot of mails from people asking if they could bang me one last time before I kill myself. Let's just say it may come to that; I've been playing with the idea of picking candidate(s) and it's possible that there may be some lucky readers before this is over (yeah, I know, that totally sounded like a cheap commercial, but still.)
Many of you have sent me mails to tell me that I should cherish my life, that I shouldn't kill myself, that there's so much still to live for etc. etc. - and I haven't replied to most of them, so I hereby thank you all for your futile efforts to save a soul that's already long lost, and I apologize for neglecting you.
On that note though, I'd like to ask you all a serious question. All clichés aside, can anyone of you give me one valid (and my valid I mean "really good") reason to live? I dare you, mail me one reason that could potentially convince me, and I don't want to hear corny banter like "For your little sister," and sorts, cause that's just lame. My sister may be only a child, but just because of that she won't really mind much when I'm gone; she'll get over it as soon as she gets a new box of Lego. :p
And don't get me wrong, this question is merely out of curiosity, even if I get a hundred "good" reasons to stay alive, I will kill myself - my determination is unwavering and my resolve not negotiable. ;)
P.S.: I've also gotten a lot of mails from people asking if they could bang me one last time before I kill myself. Let's just say it may come to that; I've been playing with the idea of picking candidate(s) and it's possible that there may be some lucky readers before this is over (yeah, I know, that totally sounded like a cheap commercial, but still.)
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
62 days left...
Okay, seeing as though I still have two months ahead of me and my mother hasn't found out about my plans, I can now rest asured and put together a list of things I want to do before I die, at my leasure.
Hmm, let's see, what are the things I definitely still want to do?
1) Have sex. Quite a few times . And experiment more with it. Why not?
2) Be an internet star (well on my way there. :p)
3) Throw eggs at a school bully's house (haven't seen him in 12 years, but still).
4) Go to the zoo. As weird as it may sound I have only been there once and I was too young to remember anything of it, so yeah.
5) Spend quality time with all my best friends.
6) Act in a hardcore porn movie.
I'm going to be updating this list regularly, this is just off the top of my head.
And yeah, the last one was a joke.
Sorry! ^^
Hmm, let's see, what are the things I definitely still want to do?
1) Have sex. Quite a few times . And experiment more with it. Why not?
2) Be an internet star (well on my way there. :p)
3) Throw eggs at a school bully's house (haven't seen him in 12 years, but still).
4) Go to the zoo. As weird as it may sound I have only been there once and I was too young to remember anything of it, so yeah.
5) Spend quality time with all my best friends.
6) Act in a hardcore porn movie.
I'm going to be updating this list regularly, this is just off the top of my head.
And yeah, the last one was a joke.
Sorry! ^^
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
63 days left...
Doing things for the truly last time is the weirdest sensation ever.
One of my best friends is a guy I only see once every year or so. We really have a very unique bond, to the point that to call us "soulmates" would just sound too shallow to describe it adequately. In any case he came over today by complete surprise (his trademark) and wanted to take me out. Luck would of course have it that my ankle was still the size of a basketball and more sore than ever, so I sadly declined. Stubborn as he is, he left only to come back with a wheelchair. I asked him where he got it from and he said that he had temporarily borrowed it from a nearby hospital (the thieving scumbag :p) and then he kind of forced me to sit in it.
He rode it out of the house and just walked me around town all day and we talked. He eventually ended up running through the busy streets, pushing the wheelchair at like 100mph yelling "Honk! Honk!" and pretending he was going to let me slide off stairs etc. We really had a blast and we had some pretty deep conversations too. At one point I even thought about telling him about the suicide, but I couldn't do that to him. I only hope he reads this after I'm gone, so that he knows how I experienced that last ever day with him.
Goodbye, dear friend.
A few months from now my heart will have stopped, but I'm afraid it won't be as broken as yours.
I'm sorry.
One of my best friends is a guy I only see once every year or so. We really have a very unique bond, to the point that to call us "soulmates" would just sound too shallow to describe it adequately. In any case he came over today by complete surprise (his trademark) and wanted to take me out. Luck would of course have it that my ankle was still the size of a basketball and more sore than ever, so I sadly declined. Stubborn as he is, he left only to come back with a wheelchair. I asked him where he got it from and he said that he had temporarily borrowed it from a nearby hospital (the thieving scumbag :p) and then he kind of forced me to sit in it.
He rode it out of the house and just walked me around town all day and we talked. He eventually ended up running through the busy streets, pushing the wheelchair at like 100mph yelling "Honk! Honk!" and pretending he was going to let me slide off stairs etc. We really had a blast and we had some pretty deep conversations too. At one point I even thought about telling him about the suicide, but I couldn't do that to him. I only hope he reads this after I'm gone, so that he knows how I experienced that last ever day with him.
Goodbye, dear friend.
A few months from now my heart will have stopped, but I'm afraid it won't be as broken as yours.
I'm sorry.
Monday, March 3, 2008
64 days left
So I spoke to my mother today.
She first called me on the phone around 3:40pm and said we had to talk. At that moment I just already knew she had read my note. Nervous and scared as I was after hanging up the phone, I went into the bathroom and I sat there for like twenty minutes, ready to kill myself. And all along doubt kept playing in my head. I wasn't afraid to die, and I could've taken my own life without flinching, but I just kept thinking about the things I still wanted to do in the two months before my death, and about the possibility that maybe my mother wanted to talk about something else. That maybe she hadn't read my letter.
Because of that, and only because of that, I postponed my suicide and decided to wait for her and find out. Around 5pm she knocked on my door. We sat down and had this really awkward semi-casual conversation about random stuff, until eventually she brought up that I should really empty my trouser pockets next time I throw them in the laundry. My face turned beet-red and I practically almost chocked on my coffee. I was seriously ready to run out the room when she continued that she found an inky ball of soaked paper in the laundry machine. I don't think I have ever been so relieved.
She had never had the chance to read what was on the note.
I think I spent the next full two minutes laughing, and she never understood why.
I guess in 64 days she will.
I'm sorry mum.
She first called me on the phone around 3:40pm and said we had to talk. At that moment I just already knew she had read my note. Nervous and scared as I was after hanging up the phone, I went into the bathroom and I sat there for like twenty minutes, ready to kill myself. And all along doubt kept playing in my head. I wasn't afraid to die, and I could've taken my own life without flinching, but I just kept thinking about the things I still wanted to do in the two months before my death, and about the possibility that maybe my mother wanted to talk about something else. That maybe she hadn't read my letter.
Because of that, and only because of that, I postponed my suicide and decided to wait for her and find out. Around 5pm she knocked on my door. We sat down and had this really awkward semi-casual conversation about random stuff, until eventually she brought up that I should really empty my trouser pockets next time I throw them in the laundry. My face turned beet-red and I practically almost chocked on my coffee. I was seriously ready to run out the room when she continued that she found an inky ball of soaked paper in the laundry machine. I don't think I have ever been so relieved.
She had never had the chance to read what was on the note.
I think I spent the next full two minutes laughing, and she never understood why.
I guess in 64 days she will.
I'm sorry mum.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
65 days left...
This is just too awkward.
I woke up today and found that my dirty laundry was missing. So either some drunken criminal broke into my apartment and stole it, or - and this is the slightly more likely scenario - my mother picked it up while I was still sleeping (she has a key).
There was no note, nothing, she also didn't wake me, she just came in to take the laundry and left, which is something she has never done before. I'm getting fairly sure now that she read my note now, and that today she wanted to check on me before she took further action to stop me from doing it - whatever those actions may be.
I've finished writing all my suicide letters.
Right now I'm going to work on a plan of how to kill myself, and exactly where and when. Suggestions are welcome, if you can stomach being an accomplice to the inevitable.
I woke up today and found that my dirty laundry was missing. So either some drunken criminal broke into my apartment and stole it, or - and this is the slightly more likely scenario - my mother picked it up while I was still sleeping (she has a key).
There was no note, nothing, she also didn't wake me, she just came in to take the laundry and left, which is something she has never done before. I'm getting fairly sure now that she read my note now, and that today she wanted to check on me before she took further action to stop me from doing it - whatever those actions may be.
I've finished writing all my suicide letters.
Right now I'm going to work on a plan of how to kill myself, and exactly where and when. Suggestions are welcome, if you can stomach being an accomplice to the inevitable.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
66 days left...
This is really killing me (again, pun not intended).
I haven't seen my mother all day, so I have no idea if she found my premature suicide letter or not. For all I know she could be reporting me to some psychiatric institution as I'm writing this, or she could've not even found it at all and the letter might by now be a squishy ball of pulp floating around in the washing machine. Somehow I don't really think it's the latter though.
Seriously, as I mentioned before, if she did find it and she's going to try and take steps to prevent my suicide, I'm going to have to end my life sooner than expected, which I am dead serious about (my unintentional puns are the worst). Everyone who has been reading my blog for a while now knows that I'm for real when I say I'm going to kill myself, and the only thing that's keeping me alive for another 66 days is this blog and my commitment to its readers, but if things turn out the way they think I will, I will actually be taking my life one of these days already.
It's a strange and stressing thought that my life may already be over soon, and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I'm not even sure I'm ready for the end yet but there's just no turning back now. I've been writing definite suicide letters to my parents and all of my friends all night just in case, cause if I have to leave this world soon, I'd rather have at least partially prepared for it.
*Heavy sigh.*
To be completely honest, I'm realling getting scared now. Cause I really hadn't forseen this. But I've never been one to back down from my plans.
And I'm not going to start now.
I haven't seen my mother all day, so I have no idea if she found my premature suicide letter or not. For all I know she could be reporting me to some psychiatric institution as I'm writing this, or she could've not even found it at all and the letter might by now be a squishy ball of pulp floating around in the washing machine. Somehow I don't really think it's the latter though.
Seriously, as I mentioned before, if she did find it and she's going to try and take steps to prevent my suicide, I'm going to have to end my life sooner than expected, which I am dead serious about (my unintentional puns are the worst). Everyone who has been reading my blog for a while now knows that I'm for real when I say I'm going to kill myself, and the only thing that's keeping me alive for another 66 days is this blog and my commitment to its readers, but if things turn out the way they think I will, I will actually be taking my life one of these days already.
It's a strange and stressing thought that my life may already be over soon, and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I'm not even sure I'm ready for the end yet but there's just no turning back now. I've been writing definite suicide letters to my parents and all of my friends all night just in case, cause if I have to leave this world soon, I'd rather have at least partially prepared for it.
*Heavy sigh.*
To be completely honest, I'm realling getting scared now. Cause I really hadn't forseen this. But I've never been one to back down from my plans.
And I'm not going to start now.
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