27 days left...

I'm feeling a little depressed now. Which is great.

I've been spending my nights watching sad movies and trying to cry rather than getting some sleep, so my mental state has kind of almost been completely crushed already. Someone also gave me some pretty handy meditation techniques via e-mail (thanks) about how to train yourself to not care about anyone or anything anymore; which would save me a lot of moral conflict when I do the deed.

So far I'd still feel guilty about leaving my parents, my friends and my little sis behind, but I'm still working on it. My motto is, if you do something; do it right.

29 days left...

I'm pleased to see that I got some genuine tips about how to get depressed, so thanks to all the people that mailed us!

Someone mailed me last night before I went to bed and suggested that I would simply stop sleeping, that I would stay awake for as long as humanly possible. He said that doing that would make me less capable of managing my emotions and being rational, which would eventually get me into a deep depression.

So I started doing that. Haven't slept last night and I don't plan to do so this night either. I'm already beginning to feel some effect of it, but not by far enough.

30 days left...

Okay so I started listening to My Chemical Romance, Thursday, Slipknot and Linkin Park non-stop now, I have like all their albums on a huge playlist - with their slightly happier songs cut out.

Other than that I am putting together a list of utterly depressing movies to watch in this last month, and I'm also compiling a list of depressing things to go see or do; like there's musea here about World War II and such, they never really fail to dampen your spirits. I also sit on the floor for at least 30 minutes per day, sort of meditating I guess, telling myself over and over that I am a failure. So far that's working magic.

If anyone has any more suggestions about how to get to a new low in human depression, shoot! I'm gonna need it.

31 days left...

Okay. I have exactly one month left.

I finished boxing the most important stuff that I want to pass on to my beloved little sis or my parents, and I've added the appropriate suicide notes in each box, so that's done. Of course I locked up these boxes in my closet and carry the key with me wherever I go since my mom or anyone else coming into my appartment could find them otherwise.

Next on my to-do list is to get depressed.

That's right, I am going to do my best to depress myself, to get my mood as low as humanly possible, cause that's the only way I'll be able to get it over with in 30 days without having moral objections of my own.

Let the crying commence. ^^

32 days left...

Yes, I know, that was a cruel April fool's prank, now get over it.

Seriously why are you all mailing me about it saying how I shouldn't do things like that? It's just a bit of fun. There is nothing immoral about a prank as long as it turns out to be just that. Like on April fool's day, since I wasn't writing a blog and I could spend that time thinking up something else, I thought up and pulled a prank on my little sister. ^^

What I did was go in to her room while she was out with my grandparents (they still go on easter egg hunts with her) and play dead on her bed. So when she came home and entered her room, I was lying face-down on her bed, completely motionless (and on that note, holding your breath for that long is hard).

So she giggled and thought I was playing, and tried to wake me up, but when I didn't move even after fifteen seconds she started yelling at me that it wasn't funny (which of course it was) and after another 10 seconds or so she started crying.

I just jumped up and startled her then, since I couldn't hold my breath any longer. You should've seen the look on her face. =p

Well, at least now I know how she'll react to the real thing.

33 days left...

April fool's!

Seriously you can't believe how hard I've been laughing with all the mails I've been getting about whether or not I'm dead yet. Did you guys honestly believe I wouldn't finish my blog first? ^^

So for all those who were worrying, not to fret, I'm here alive and well for another 33 days or so, that blog was just a little joke of mine; it was April 1st after all.

35 days left...

This will be my last blog.

Apparently my mother did find that suicide note I wrote several weeks ago (the one she allegedly couldn't read cause it went into the washing machine along with my jeans), turns out she knew all along and she's been contacting "people" that can help me. I noticed since I had been getting strangely cheery messages from friends, and I really knew when a friend of my mom's came by to talk to me last night; about "life"...

Could it be any more conspicuous?

Knowing this I see no other option but to end this blog - and my life - already. I've slept for three hours last night and spent the rest of my night finishing my suicide letters and organizing the things I want to leave behind.

To all my readers: by the time the first comment reaches my blog I will in all probability already be gone, I don't want to stick around to see whatever people have to say about this, it's my choice and it's painful enough to share it like this. So don't bother commenting or mailing me if you want to stop me, you won't reach anyone.

Mom, sis, all my friends, if you read this, I wasn't mad at any of you. And if you didn't find my notes, they are on my bed.

Please forgive me.