Sorry for not having updated yesterday guys, I just wanted to be alone and not think of anything.
The realization that my life is over has finally hit me, and it's like being on the receiving end of a bullet, except for there being depression instead of physical pain as a result. Which I suppose can only help me at this point, but nonetheless it's not very pleasant.
I've been ignoring any phonecalls I've been getting, and I haven't opened the door for anyone anymore these past few days, even when my mother came to visit me with my sis yesterdayI just pretended I wasn't in. I guess they must be getting worried.
They'll know soon enough what's going on with me.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
8 days left...
Seeing that the big day is approaching pretty rapidly now I've been finding myself getting afraid.
Not afraid of dying, but afraid of living. Afraid of doing anything that might cheer me up or make me feel alive, anything that could be fun or exciting, because that would only make things harder on myself eight days from now. I broke contact with all my friends, only speak to my mother when strictly necessary, and I do my best to avoid my sister 24/7 because I just couldn't bear seeing her now.
This is the final countdown of my life.
Not afraid of dying, but afraid of living. Afraid of doing anything that might cheer me up or make me feel alive, anything that could be fun or exciting, because that would only make things harder on myself eight days from now. I broke contact with all my friends, only speak to my mother when strictly necessary, and I do my best to avoid my sister 24/7 because I just couldn't bear seeing her now.
This is the final countdown of my life.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
9 days left...
Something else I forgot to mention, that I thought was pretty insightful.
The Christian guy I talked to yesterday also said that in the end most people in his religion follow the rules and principles of their faith simply so that they would be allowed in heaven, they worship Jesus Christ as a holy figure to give them guidance in death. He said that he himself did not, that he worshipped Jesus Christ as a human being, whose past actions now give him guidance in life.
He was pretty open-minded, saying that his religion was not really the answer to anything, nor living by its rules the way to heaven, he said that all of that was speculation, things people told themselves to not be afraid, or to not have to deal with life. He said that believing in something that gives you the strength to face reality and to stand up for what you think is right and just in this world is all that matters. Whether it's a 2000 year old prophet, or a personal set of principles, he said religion or faith is never the goal, but only a means to achieve your goals.
Whatever, I thought it was pretty insightful so I thought I might as well post it.
The Christian guy I talked to yesterday also said that in the end most people in his religion follow the rules and principles of their faith simply so that they would be allowed in heaven, they worship Jesus Christ as a holy figure to give them guidance in death. He said that he himself did not, that he worshipped Jesus Christ as a human being, whose past actions now give him guidance in life.
He was pretty open-minded, saying that his religion was not really the answer to anything, nor living by its rules the way to heaven, he said that all of that was speculation, things people told themselves to not be afraid, or to not have to deal with life. He said that believing in something that gives you the strength to face reality and to stand up for what you think is right and just in this world is all that matters. Whether it's a 2000 year old prophet, or a personal set of principles, he said religion or faith is never the goal, but only a means to achieve your goals.
Whatever, I thought it was pretty insightful so I thought I might as well post it.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
10 days left...
I spoke to a Christian today who read my blog, he actually recognized me on the bus, which was quite awkward to say the least.
He shyly inquired if I was in fact 'the' Tania Derveaux from the internet, at which point I thought I would be in for some kind of anti-suicide lecture, but surprisingly enough that wasn't the case. The first thing he asked is if I really didn't believe in anything, to which I replied that I didn't, and then he said that that was exactly my problem.
He said that everyone can find something to believe in, whether it's a deity or something more concrete, just something they value, something they know is worth fighting for or worth passing on. And once you have that something, you live for it, and you keep searching for more.
It didn't sound completely ridiculous to me, but it's a bit too late for that.
He shyly inquired if I was in fact 'the' Tania Derveaux from the internet, at which point I thought I would be in for some kind of anti-suicide lecture, but surprisingly enough that wasn't the case. The first thing he asked is if I really didn't believe in anything, to which I replied that I didn't, and then he said that that was exactly my problem.
He said that everyone can find something to believe in, whether it's a deity or something more concrete, just something they value, something they know is worth fighting for or worth passing on. And once you have that something, you live for it, and you keep searching for more.
It didn't sound completely ridiculous to me, but it's a bit too late for that.
Friday, April 25, 2008
11 days left...
The uncle of my mother died a week ago.
The reason I never mentioned this is because it didn't matter to me. Nor did it really matter to her, actually, since we never really knew him, so his death was just a announcement in the mail for us. This actually made it easier for me to believe that death can be something swift and insignificant, that it can be nothing more than a letter, not even standing out in a pile of magazines and bills.
But my opinion kind of changed when my mother's uncle's fiance came to visit us today. She wanted to hand over some personal belongings of his that he wanted to give to my mother, but apparently didn't include in the will for some reason. In any case, she was in tears the entire time she was with us, and she explained to my mother how he was planning to come and see her again, but never got the chance due to his illness.
Seeing that woman so devastated made me realize that there was this whole group of people that loved my mother's uncle, somewhere out there, just as devastated as she was. It made me realize that while we may want to believe it is, death is never swift. It is never painless, and it is never insignificant. At least not for the people around you.
It made me realize that to commit suicide you have to be cold, and selfish, and cruel.
But I am sure that is something I can manage.
The reason I never mentioned this is because it didn't matter to me. Nor did it really matter to her, actually, since we never really knew him, so his death was just a announcement in the mail for us. This actually made it easier for me to believe that death can be something swift and insignificant, that it can be nothing more than a letter, not even standing out in a pile of magazines and bills.
But my opinion kind of changed when my mother's uncle's fiance came to visit us today. She wanted to hand over some personal belongings of his that he wanted to give to my mother, but apparently didn't include in the will for some reason. In any case, she was in tears the entire time she was with us, and she explained to my mother how he was planning to come and see her again, but never got the chance due to his illness.
Seeing that woman so devastated made me realize that there was this whole group of people that loved my mother's uncle, somewhere out there, just as devastated as she was. It made me realize that while we may want to believe it is, death is never swift. It is never painless, and it is never insignificant. At least not for the people around you.
It made me realize that to commit suicide you have to be cold, and selfish, and cruel.
But I am sure that is something I can manage.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
12 days left...
I've gotten a few mails so far from people begging me to put this Youtube video on my blog from this vlogger girl, I wasn't originally gonna do it, but since it's been three people now that explicitly asked for that video I thought what the hell.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zvzq-eUN95A&feature=related
This does not reflect my view on things or my current state of mind at all though, it's just something people asked me to put on, so I decided to be a little democratic in my final days.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zvzq-eUN95A&feature=related
This does not reflect my view on things or my current state of mind at all though, it's just something people asked me to put on, so I decided to be a little democratic in my final days.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
13 days left...
I've been thinking some about the afterlife today and looking up what some religions have to say about it.
Christianity: apparently there's no real statement concerning suicide in the Bible, but after having spoken to a priest (yes, I went there) he said there's a good chance heaven does not allow people who have taken their own lives.
Islam: after doing some research I found that according to this religion people who have committed suicide will in the afterlife be roasted in a fire, forbidden in paradise (obviously, since I kind of figured the roasting didn't take place in heaven) and punished in hell by whatever used to commit suicide (i.e. if you drowned yourself, you will forever drown - how that goes hand in hand with the roasting, I'm not sure, but it doesn't sound pleasant.)
Hinduism: this religion says that a person who commits suicide will wander the earth as a bad ghost, aimlessly, until his alotted lifetime is over, to then be punished more severely in hell.
I kind of stopped there since I got the picture. I was thinking of becoming religious before doing the final act, because it would give me something to look forward to after death, but I guess I'll pass on that and remain an atheist. A great, vast nothing sounds better than fires of hell and eternal drowning.
Christianity: apparently there's no real statement concerning suicide in the Bible, but after having spoken to a priest (yes, I went there) he said there's a good chance heaven does not allow people who have taken their own lives.
Islam: after doing some research I found that according to this religion people who have committed suicide will in the afterlife be roasted in a fire, forbidden in paradise (obviously, since I kind of figured the roasting didn't take place in heaven) and punished in hell by whatever used to commit suicide (i.e. if you drowned yourself, you will forever drown - how that goes hand in hand with the roasting, I'm not sure, but it doesn't sound pleasant.)
Hinduism: this religion says that a person who commits suicide will wander the earth as a bad ghost, aimlessly, until his alotted lifetime is over, to then be punished more severely in hell.
I kind of stopped there since I got the picture. I was thinking of becoming religious before doing the final act, because it would give me something to look forward to after death, but I guess I'll pass on that and remain an atheist. A great, vast nothing sounds better than fires of hell and eternal drowning.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)