They say suicide is painless.
Well yes, maybe it is, but the 90 days leading up to it sure aren't. It's not easy to be able to ignore the feelings of the people around you and hurt your loved ones so tremendously because you want to abandon life. Because you've lost hope in the future.
But tomorrow will be a big day for me. My last big day before the end.
To all my readers, I have decided to share something important with you and I will do so tomorrow, it's about my decision and about my blog in general. I know what you're thinking, but I can say that it's something you won't expect. You may think you've predicted it already, but it's nothing like that. Nothing that simple.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Friday, May 2, 2008
4 days left...
So how do I want to be remembered? What is it that I want to leave behind to my readers, to my world?
I guess now is the time to pass on whatever I have to pass on. First off I would want this world to continue evolving into a more positive place, a place where people stand up for what they believe in rather than undergo life submissively. A place where human beings are free and open-minded, and actively working on their community.
Before I die I would like to call on everyone here to make a stand for what they believe in. Be the person you want to be and don't give up like I did.
Go out today and do something that you can be proud of.
For me.
I guess now is the time to pass on whatever I have to pass on. First off I would want this world to continue evolving into a more positive place, a place where people stand up for what they believe in rather than undergo life submissively. A place where human beings are free and open-minded, and actively working on their community.
Before I die I would like to call on everyone here to make a stand for what they believe in. Be the person you want to be and don't give up like I did.
Go out today and do something that you can be proud of.
For me.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
5 days left...
So I guess this is what it feels like.
Being on death row. Having less than a week to live. 4 more days after this and I'll be dead. You all are witnessing my final days, my final thoughts. Disappointing as it may be, they aren't anything special or interesting, they are simply my last. No more, no less.
People don't change when they're about to die. They just grow nervous and scared. They feel alone. At least I do. I've written and rewritten my suicide notes countless times, I've cut off my phone lines and locked my door, all I have to connect me to the outside world is my internet cable, and this very blog.
I feel like the last spark of a bonfire, flickering just a tiny bit longer before going out completely.
I'll flicker for 4 more days.
Being on death row. Having less than a week to live. 4 more days after this and I'll be dead. You all are witnessing my final days, my final thoughts. Disappointing as it may be, they aren't anything special or interesting, they are simply my last. No more, no less.
People don't change when they're about to die. They just grow nervous and scared. They feel alone. At least I do. I've written and rewritten my suicide notes countless times, I've cut off my phone lines and locked my door, all I have to connect me to the outside world is my internet cable, and this very blog.
I feel like the last spark of a bonfire, flickering just a tiny bit longer before going out completely.
I'll flicker for 4 more days.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
7 days left...
Sorry for not having updated yesterday guys, I just wanted to be alone and not think of anything.
The realization that my life is over has finally hit me, and it's like being on the receiving end of a bullet, except for there being depression instead of physical pain as a result. Which I suppose can only help me at this point, but nonetheless it's not very pleasant.
I've been ignoring any phonecalls I've been getting, and I haven't opened the door for anyone anymore these past few days, even when my mother came to visit me with my sis yesterdayI just pretended I wasn't in. I guess they must be getting worried.
They'll know soon enough what's going on with me.
The realization that my life is over has finally hit me, and it's like being on the receiving end of a bullet, except for there being depression instead of physical pain as a result. Which I suppose can only help me at this point, but nonetheless it's not very pleasant.
I've been ignoring any phonecalls I've been getting, and I haven't opened the door for anyone anymore these past few days, even when my mother came to visit me with my sis yesterdayI just pretended I wasn't in. I guess they must be getting worried.
They'll know soon enough what's going on with me.
Monday, April 28, 2008
8 days left...
Seeing that the big day is approaching pretty rapidly now I've been finding myself getting afraid.
Not afraid of dying, but afraid of living. Afraid of doing anything that might cheer me up or make me feel alive, anything that could be fun or exciting, because that would only make things harder on myself eight days from now. I broke contact with all my friends, only speak to my mother when strictly necessary, and I do my best to avoid my sister 24/7 because I just couldn't bear seeing her now.
This is the final countdown of my life.
Not afraid of dying, but afraid of living. Afraid of doing anything that might cheer me up or make me feel alive, anything that could be fun or exciting, because that would only make things harder on myself eight days from now. I broke contact with all my friends, only speak to my mother when strictly necessary, and I do my best to avoid my sister 24/7 because I just couldn't bear seeing her now.
This is the final countdown of my life.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
9 days left...
Something else I forgot to mention, that I thought was pretty insightful.
The Christian guy I talked to yesterday also said that in the end most people in his religion follow the rules and principles of their faith simply so that they would be allowed in heaven, they worship Jesus Christ as a holy figure to give them guidance in death. He said that he himself did not, that he worshipped Jesus Christ as a human being, whose past actions now give him guidance in life.
He was pretty open-minded, saying that his religion was not really the answer to anything, nor living by its rules the way to heaven, he said that all of that was speculation, things people told themselves to not be afraid, or to not have to deal with life. He said that believing in something that gives you the strength to face reality and to stand up for what you think is right and just in this world is all that matters. Whether it's a 2000 year old prophet, or a personal set of principles, he said religion or faith is never the goal, but only a means to achieve your goals.
Whatever, I thought it was pretty insightful so I thought I might as well post it.
The Christian guy I talked to yesterday also said that in the end most people in his religion follow the rules and principles of their faith simply so that they would be allowed in heaven, they worship Jesus Christ as a holy figure to give them guidance in death. He said that he himself did not, that he worshipped Jesus Christ as a human being, whose past actions now give him guidance in life.
He was pretty open-minded, saying that his religion was not really the answer to anything, nor living by its rules the way to heaven, he said that all of that was speculation, things people told themselves to not be afraid, or to not have to deal with life. He said that believing in something that gives you the strength to face reality and to stand up for what you think is right and just in this world is all that matters. Whether it's a 2000 year old prophet, or a personal set of principles, he said religion or faith is never the goal, but only a means to achieve your goals.
Whatever, I thought it was pretty insightful so I thought I might as well post it.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
10 days left...
I spoke to a Christian today who read my blog, he actually recognized me on the bus, which was quite awkward to say the least.
He shyly inquired if I was in fact 'the' Tania Derveaux from the internet, at which point I thought I would be in for some kind of anti-suicide lecture, but surprisingly enough that wasn't the case. The first thing he asked is if I really didn't believe in anything, to which I replied that I didn't, and then he said that that was exactly my problem.
He said that everyone can find something to believe in, whether it's a deity or something more concrete, just something they value, something they know is worth fighting for or worth passing on. And once you have that something, you live for it, and you keep searching for more.
It didn't sound completely ridiculous to me, but it's a bit too late for that.
He shyly inquired if I was in fact 'the' Tania Derveaux from the internet, at which point I thought I would be in for some kind of anti-suicide lecture, but surprisingly enough that wasn't the case. The first thing he asked is if I really didn't believe in anything, to which I replied that I didn't, and then he said that that was exactly my problem.
He said that everyone can find something to believe in, whether it's a deity or something more concrete, just something they value, something they know is worth fighting for or worth passing on. And once you have that something, you live for it, and you keep searching for more.
It didn't sound completely ridiculous to me, but it's a bit too late for that.
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